I kept coming here, hoping that I could write down some thoughts, but nothing coherent would come out and I've erased things just about every day. Nothing seems important to write about. I think now that I have opened up this blog for family members, it makes me think a bit more about what I write because I know they are coming here for mom's updates. Why would they want to read about what's going on in my life? Then I received an email from my aunt and she told me she enjoyed reading them. I've always wanted a close relationship with my aunt. She lives in Cali, and we're not able to see her very often. I hope that if she does gain anything from this, uh, creeping into my head, she'll get to know her niece a bit more. She'll also get to know her great nephews through the written word. :)
I never wrote for anyone else's pleasure but my own. It changes the dynamics. So, after thinking about this for a week, I've realized that I really have missed blogging, and I can't worry about who is reading it or who isn't. The important thing (to me) is that I'm able to write out my feelings because sometimes it clears my head. Now, more than ever, it's important for me to do.
Today was a good day. I went over to my mom's house and took her Christmas shopping. We drove around to a few places and then came back home. She was ready for a nap when we got back, so she laid down and I convinced dad to have the boys and I put up the Christmas tree. Yes, I let the boys ditch so I could go shopping with my mom. One of my favorite memories was helping my grandparents put up their tree every year. I was hoping to make it a memory for my own children. They had a blast with helping Papa and Nana. Mom's spirits were up for most of the day, but really got great when she received a phone call from her oncologist's patients telling her that the chemo would NOT make her sick. It settled mom's mind to hear it from a patient rather than a doctor.
Yesterday I went to Family Christian Bookstore to find some gifts for my family. After roaming around for awhile and looking at just about every item they had, I came across the "memory" section for those who have lost a loved one. It hit me hard. I don't know why, I just started bawling. I couldn't get through the rest of the store. I've been doing well with thinking positively, but yesterday was a rough one. Anyway, I found a great gift for my mom, and brought it over today. She immediately started crying while reading it. I had hoped that she could put it by her bed for her to see every morning. It wasn't my intention to have it cause her pain, but to remind her of God never leaving her side. I hope that it gives her peace. For the life of me, I cannot remember what it says at this moment!
I'm so tired today. Riordan came in AGAIN in the middle of the night because his legs were hurting. I rubbed his legs and then tried to fall asleep myself. It took forever. I'm exhausted this evening. Ready for bed...