Making the most of it

I found myself taking more pictures, sitting close, breathing in a lot more this Christmas. I don't mean to be pessimistic, I just want to enjoy all the time that I have with her.

My aunt ended up cutting mom's hair short. I just couldn't do it. I was thankful that she offered because I was trying to find a way to get out of it. What kind of daughter am I that I can't even cut her hair?

Only 10 days to go until the first round of chemo. I called mom and dad today and she wanted to drive to Walmart to get herself a compact cd player to listen to audio books. This is the first time she has driven since the beginning of November. I can't wait to hear how it went. I'm hoping this last week she'll start feeling strong and be able to do stuff she's been wanting to do for the past month!!

I told my aunt that she's leaving too quickly and I think she thinks I'm worried about the chemo (which I'm not, really). It's five hours of trying to keep her entertained as they put toxins in her body to get rid of the cancer. Pretty easy, I guess. We're all relieved that she's not supposed to get sick. We hang on to that with a hope and prayer.

Christmas this year was extra meaningful. It makes all other Christmas' feel as if I should have appreciated them more.

Since we didn't do much on the way of gifts, it made us focus on what is really important. Time with the family. It was wonderful.

Catching up during the Christmas season

Christmas at the Lollar house is always crazy, wonderful and memorable. Christmas Eve we went to The Orchard church and enjoyed the Christmas story being read to over 50 children. We didn't enjoy the Christmas carols being "vamped up" to contemporary sounding music. If it ain't broke, why fix perfection? We then came home, watched a bit of Lord of the Rings The Two Towers and got the boys ready for bed. After completing the mommy and daddy duties, we crawled into bed around 11:00 p.m. Brian and I woke up at 5:00 a.m. to find out that the two older boys had decided to get up around 11:30 and see what Santa had left them. After going through their stockings, seeing the gifts that Santa had left and watching t.v. while eating the sugar treats, they finally went back to bed at around 3:00 a.m. SOOO, Brian and I figured we'd let them sleep until 7:00 and then wake them up. This is the first Christmas morning where I have been able to have all of my coffee, take a shower, read the paper and actually wake up before the boys are slowly staggering out of bed! Needless to say, the boys were dragging by 1:00 p.m. after the excitement of opening the presents had disappaited from their bodies. We went over to my mom's house to celebrate and see a lot of my family members that had gathered. We listened to my dad read another version of the Christmas story, sang Christmas songs (this is a Jones' tradition) and then opened the presents. We then sat down for an amazing dinner and played games the rest of the evening. All in all, it was a spectacular Christmas!! Here are some pics...enjoy!

Corrin allowing me to take a pic because Nana requested it!

Santa had come...and obviously loved the cookies!


Riordan coming downstairs to see what's under the Christmas tree!

The boys looking at their gifts

Rockin' to Guitar Hero World Tour

Mom's ready to party!

Dad reading the Christmas story

Singing Christmas Carols

Someone is happy that it's Christmas!!

I actually caught him smiling on camera!!

Vegging out with Aunt Mar-Mar

Contemplating nap time after dinner

The girls

I hope you all had a magical Christmas...and here's to a fabulous New Year!

Having fun with the presents

Brian and I decided, after listening to the boys pulverize our old pots and pans, that we should get Riordan a drum set for his birthday. After looking for awhile, I decided to get the smaller set to see what would happen and if they'd even play it. This entire morning has been listening to the drums being played. Now, most people would be thinking, "ARE YOU CRAZY?!" We heard that last night alot, actually. However, being musically inclined, we'd much rather hear the actual sound of drums rather than the tin sound of pots. So...here's some pics.

Happy 6th, Riordan!

What a day! I had tons to do to get ready for the party. Thank goodness my mother-in-law had all three boys at her house for four hours so I could run all of my errands without listening to the whining of the kids! Anyway, the morning started with me getting an error message on our oven. Brian called with the heads up (thank goodness, I would have FREAKED out!!) and we tried the ole turn off and turn it back on. It worked, so I made the cake! I then went around town and picked up various things. Came home, played the computer and was hoping for a phone call to pick up the kids so I could come back and nap. Nope, didn't happen.

At 6:00, our first guest was there, and after that it was a whirlwind for an hour. Pizza, opening gifts, killing the pinata and then birthday cake. Riordan made out!!

More pictures will be added tomorrow. I'm sittin' on it right now.

Realization

I had sort of a mini break-down yesterday. Just a bit of a crying jag...thank goodness my hubby was there. I don't like crying in front of the boys because they think it's something they did, and it had nothing to do with them.

Around the holidays, it's a little bit crazy for everyone. It's like we have this heightened awareness...and also sensitivity. I'm not sure if it's like this for everyone, but I know that I'm a bit more teary during this time of year. The extra stress of getting everything done just right along with my mom still not feeling good is starting to wear me down.

As I was crying, I said, "I just want to make everything alright" or something to that effect. I'm feeling very helpless with my mother's situation and I'm transferring that to everyone else in my family by trying to make everyone happy and well. We had my in-law family over and some things were said that I felt were personal attacks to me. Looking back, they weren't, it just made me feel like I was doing something wrong. Not taking care of everyone correctly.

I have a decision to make. I can either take what I know in stride and just let things go, or I can actually talk to the person that hurt me. Is it my problem as of late, or is it something that needs to be discussed?

When I become sensitive (and this isn't a normal occurance for me...usually I get pissed and then just let it go) things tend to pile up and everything gets to me unless I talk about the first, uh, transgression. I don't like feeling this way, it's coloring my holidays with an ugly tint, and I normally love this time of year.

I'm normally a very open person (some say too direct). I feel as if I try to be tactful, but with this person, nothing I could say would go over well. The decision to make is...do I say something so I feel better and make the other person feel as I do now? Or do I let it go and feel like shit? I know I'll get over it, but can't guarantee the other person will.

Ahhh, the holidays.

Riordan's lost tooth!

Riordan finally lost his first tooth! As we were sitting down at dinner, I noticed that he was able to move it a lot more. So, right before bath time, daddy twisted the tooth and voila!!! Empty space in mouth. He is SO excited!

Feeling helpless

is the worst feeling of all.

What a blur this past weekend was. So much planned and so little accomplished. Last night I had the plummeting of the stomach because I realized I had not done any laundry this weekend which is a disaster in my house. On Friday night, I went over to my friends house. We try to have a girls night out about once a month to catch up on what is going on in each other's lives. We played Hearts which is the only game that I'm ever competitive in and had a glass of wine. I love this time because we laugh, cry, cuss, and just let loose. I can't believe I went 32 years without girls night out.

On Saturday, Brian, Daegan and I went shopping in the morning. Spirits were up because most people were still safely home in their beds. We got some incredible deals on some items and came home. I then went out again to a nearby city and did some more shopping. As I sat in my car, I listened to some praise music while everyone else was stressed out, laying their hands on their horns and holding their heads in misery. I turned up the music and tried to let the cacophony around me diminish. I came home about two hours later than I had planned on to an empty house because Brian had taken two of the boys shopping for my Christmas present. :) Saturday night there was the Festival of Lights. I was so tired from the shopping and had made plans to go to a party at a friends that I stayed home and let Brian take the younger two to watch the floats. I then went to the party. It was...a bit weird. These are people all from my old church that I hadn't seen since July. They all wanted to know how the family was and what I had been doing. None of them asked if I was coming back, but told me they missed me. I missed every single one of them, but will not be returning to that church.

On Sunday, it was time to try to finish the homemade presents that the boys were making. Complete chaos, but of the good kind. Everyone finished their presents except Corrin (he went out to see a movie with his grandpa). All we could do was huddle up in the house because it's been so cold outside. After trying to finish the presents again after naptime, everyone had lost interest in the projects, so it was a "Go, team, go" afternoon.

I talked to my dad a few times on the phone. On Friday, mom had her port installed for the chemo. A short surgery that had her out for about 45 minutes. They also gave her Percoset for the muscle spasms she's been enduring, so she was out every time I called. I'm hoping that the medication works and let's her body heal. She really wants to feel better before Christmas. They have decided on an oncologist that is located in Ft. Collins. A specialist that has worked with patients with ovarian cancer a lot more than other oncologists. Dad is still working on findng the "right" treatment. They have decided to start mom's chemo after Christmas. Mom has informed me she wants me to shave her head before she starts chemo. I think I can do it...

Today has a high of 10, I think. I'll be spending most of the day driving the boys to and from school.

Christmas meme

My friend Nancy posted this on her blog and it got me thinking. I had to fill one out myself!

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Both. The gift bag thing is very handy for footballs. It's like a God send.

2. Real tree or Artificial? Usually an artificial for convenience, but this year I wanted a real one for the smell. I got a Fraser Fir which is a gorgeous tree that doesn't lose it's needles quickly (real long lasting) but I am disappointed in the lack of smell.

3. When do you put up the tree? Usually the weekend after Thanksgiving.

4. When do you take the tree down? Early January

5. Do you like eggnog? I love the stuff.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? Probably my Barbie house. I played with that thing for hours at a time.

7. Hardest person to buy for? Corrin, hands down

8. Easiest person(s) to buy for? My nephew

9. Do you have a nativity scene? We do! It's special because Brian and I bought it our first year of marriage.

10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Mail! Seriously? Email Christmas cards??

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? A used book. Hands down.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie? This is nearly impossible for me to answer. I love It's a Wonderful Life, A Christmas Story and National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? No soon enough (I hear you, Nancy!)

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? No.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? My husband's prime rib

16. Lights on the tree? Yes. Usually white. Went with multi-colored this year.

15. Favorite Christmas song? O Holy Night (if sung correctly)

16. Travel at Christmas or stay home? No need to travel. Family is here. :)

17. Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer? Since my youngest has been singing this non-stop for about three weeks, I've got all of their names down.

18. Angel on the tree top or a star? Angel

19. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? One week early for our extended family, Christmas morning for the boys and us, Christmas afternoon for our other extended family.

20.Most annoying thing about this time of the year. How crazy people are when driving.

21. Favorite ornament theme or color? I love the boys' tree because they have all of their ornaments from each year. They absolutely love going through them year after year. I would like to have my "pretty" tree up one year, but the family tree always wins.

22. Favorite for Christmas dinner? Prime rib!

23. What do you want for Christmas this year? A book written by Lauren Springer.

What about you?

It's not like I haven't had anything to say

I kept coming here, hoping that I could write down some thoughts, but nothing coherent would come out and I've erased things just about every day. Nothing seems important to write about. I think now that I have opened up this blog for family members, it makes me think a bit more about what I write because I know they are coming here for mom's updates. Why would they want to read about what's going on in my life? Then I received an email from my aunt and she told me she enjoyed reading them. I've always wanted a close relationship with my aunt. She lives in Cali, and we're not able to see her very often. I hope that if she does gain anything from this, uh, creeping into my head, she'll get to know her niece a bit more. She'll also get to know her great nephews through the written word. :)

I never wrote for anyone else's pleasure but my own. It changes the dynamics. So, after thinking about this for a week, I've realized that I really have missed blogging, and I can't worry about who is reading it or who isn't. The important thing (to me) is that I'm able to write out my feelings because sometimes it clears my head. Now, more than ever, it's important for me to do.

Today was a good day. I went over to my mom's house and took her Christmas shopping. We drove around to a few places and then came back home. She was ready for a nap when we got back, so she laid down and I convinced dad to have the boys and I put up the Christmas tree. Yes, I let the boys ditch so I could go shopping with my mom. One of my favorite memories was helping my grandparents put up their tree every year. I was hoping to make it a memory for my own children. They had a blast with helping Papa and Nana. Mom's spirits were up for most of the day, but really got great when she received a phone call from her oncologist's patients telling her that the chemo would NOT make her sick. It settled mom's mind to hear it from a patient rather than a doctor.

Yesterday I went to Family Christian Bookstore to find some gifts for my family. After roaming around for awhile and looking at just about every item they had, I came across the "memory" section for those who have lost a loved one. It hit me hard. I don't know why, I just started bawling. I couldn't get through the rest of the store. I've been doing well with thinking positively, but yesterday was a rough one. Anyway, I found a great gift for my mom, and brought it over today. She immediately started crying while reading it. I had hoped that she could put it by her bed for her to see every morning. It wasn't my intention to have it cause her pain, but to remind her of God never leaving her side. I hope that it gives her peace. For the life of me, I cannot remember what it says at this moment!

I'm so tired today. Riordan came in AGAIN in the middle of the night because his legs were hurting. I rubbed his legs and then tried to fall asleep myself. It took forever. I'm exhausted this evening. Ready for bed...

Third time's the charm...or is it?

There's a running joke with families with multiple kids how different you treat the first kid compared to the last one. Pacifier falls on the floor with the first one? You hurriedly rush to wash it off with boiling water and soap. By the third one, you pick it up, dust it off, and stick it back in their mouth. I thought by now, I would be done with most of the differences since the boys are out of babyhood, but I've realized today that it'll probably happen througout their lives. However, it's going the opposite way than what I thought it would.

Riordan has a very loose tooth. He is BEGGING me to pull it. The other boys have had loose teeth and I've pulled them out without thinking twice. I can't seem to get myself to do it with Riordan. I'm afraid I'm going to hurt him. My baby. I'll make him bleed. How do I know it's REALLY ready to come out? That tooth is so freaking SMALL.

I think I'll ask Brian to take care of it. I can't seem to do anything but look at it, move it, and say, "not quite ready!" How fitting...

Little boobie

Yesterday I'm sitting on the couch with Riordan. To give you a bit of a backstory, I had surgery on my left breast two years ago to remove a lump. For some reason, this breast really is tender and sore about two weeks before my period. So...for the past two years, if one of my kids get's even close to that boob, I kind of freeze and yell, "Watch out for the boob!" They don't understand how sometimes the boob hurts, and other times it's just fine.

Anyway, I'm sitting on the couch with Riordan. We were snuggling together, and he adjusted where he was sitting. He then froze, looked at me, patted my boob and says, "Oh! I don't want to hurt your little boobie!"

In between laughter and hurt that he called it "little" (not really, I'm pretty realistic about the entire thing) I told him thank you, and we then snuggled again.

First appointment after surgery

Mom went to her first oncology appointment. This is the first doctor of two she'll try. She loved her, which is GREAT. When the doctor was talking to mom about the chemo treatments, she started to feel very hot, and went out for a drink. Next thing she knew, she had nurses all over her...she almost fainted. Obviously the idea of chemo is still the big hurdle, but the doctor is telling her that she can have her chemo and drive home from the treatment. She doesn't have to get sick.

There are quite a few options. The IP (or the abdominal adminstration of chemo) is out because mom does not want to do that one. They also have two drugs they give her every three weeks for a total of 4 months. On top of that, they have a clinical trial that involves Avastin (Zimmer...you were on top of THAT drug!!) and placebo. There are three different arms of the clinical trial and mom and dad wouldn't know which arm she'd be trying, but Avastin has some positive things written on the internet, and I hope they choose to do that.

I'm relieved. Mom sounds good. Dad has facts swarming in his head, and I'm sure he's dying to go home and read all about it on the computer. All in all, it sounds like it was a positive experience!!!