When it's Hardest to be a Mother

Sophia's "Mom, can we talk?" often comes when it's late and making it back downstairs after saying good-night to each sleepy head is my number one goal. There are dishes to be finished, laundry to be folded, schedules to be confirmed, and yes, a ME to attend to. On those days when a shower just doesn't seem to happen before 10 PM, it's all I can think about.

But I've often found that I'm the best mother when it's HARDEST to be a mother. When I have to work at it. When I have to pray for strength to be something that, at that moment, I'm not quite up to being.

"Sure, sweetheart. I'll be right there."

I tell you the heart-to-hearts on the end of her bed when she should be sleeping are lovely. Just lovely.

I count my blessings to be a mother and have such moments when I am really "there" for her. To help her make sense of mortality and it's challenges and help her know where to find strength.  And I leave her room thinking, PLEASE. MORE. OF. THIS.

Twenty minutes earlier her voice had interrupted my sigh of finally having some alone-time. My shoulders had admittedly slumped as the words "not now" fought for justification. But I left her room far from the drained woman who resolved to go in earlier.

I am amazed at this thing called motherhood--this thing that many in the world around me see as beneath my potential. Motherhood at its best and particularly when it is hardest, latches onto all the creative powers of eternity, transforming both those mothered and those mothering.

The Salmon Run

(Locals will recognize how long this post has been sitting in my drafts.)

Every fall we pack up our family to visit the local fish ladder and watch as tens of thousands of salmon impressively make their way back from the Pacific Ocean to spawn. I say "impressively" for two reasons. The journey is not easy, for one. But perhaps most impressive is the fact that after each of these salmon navigate their way through feeding grounds across the north Pacific, they return as mature salmon to the very creek they were born. The very same creek. Amazing.

But how do they do this? Recent studies point to a homing instinct tied to the earth's magnetic field that guides them to the very place they entered the sea as young salmon. After that, olfactory clues kick in, helping them find their way to their specific natal stream. 

My older children understand a lot of this from school and in these photos I see them fascinated by these great salmon acting on pure instinct.

I don't think we're much different. Only we're so "clever" that we sometimes override the instinct that would guide us home. It's really our privilege to do so--a God-given right to exercise agency and choose for ourselves.

I know my children, like all of us, will sometimes override their pure instincts toward their heavenly home. This is part of the mortal experience we're here for--not necessarily to wander, but to exercise our agency in the pursuit of exaltation. When we've chosen to set aside the natural inclinations of our spirit, when we wander and are lost, we can find hope and home in the Savior.

I hope my children understand this, too.

IWSG November 2013

Quote of the Day:  Since you are like no other being ever created since the beginning of time, you are incomparable. Brenda Ueland, quote found in the book The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron.

Piano Bench Confessions

The first Wednesday of each month, I participate in The Insecure Writer's Support Group, founded by Alex J. Cavanaugh. Go to his blog for more connections to insecure writers. We fill the airwaves on days like this! 

I am working through Julia Cameron's book The Artist's Way with my sister and a couple other creatives who need a boost of confidence to get things moving. Chapter Two discusses the "crazy makers" the people who sabotage our creative success. Some are surprisingly close to us. Some are paid instructors and seemingly well-meaning teachers. Some creep up in unexpected places and cause all sorts of damage. These are our villains. Julia says we need to be very wary of these people. They are the blamers, the hurtful criticizers. They are, in reality, more stuck and frustrated than we are and are lashing out as we try to move forward and live a more authentic and creative life. Pay attention to this. If you are feeling beat up by someone's comments, shut them out. Make a list of the crazy-makers in your life and limit your time with them. Some relationships might even need to end. You  need to decide and empower yourself.

Then, to combat those negative voices, surround yourself with your champions. Make a list of those folks, the ones who say, "Of course, you can. I believe in you. I love you and your creative spirit," and then they show you just how much. 

So, what does all this have to do with a picture of a piano bench? Well, I am a pianist and a piano teacher. I had some serious wounds related to my playing and creative spirit. Without my champions, I would not have recovered. I also use that bench to process the world and sort things out. I don't know how I'd manage without it. And, it has been the source of inspiration for my next play Grace Notes: Piano Bench Confessions. Self-doubt rose up in me last week (I was a bit ahead of schedule for the IWSG), so I talked it out with my sister (a grand champion) and my friend who is also a publicist and promoter of words, and I messaged and connected with a few more supporters. They helped me realize that I had been exposed to many of my villains recently and that some of those interactions triggered old wounds and insecurities. Then, they said those magic words, "I believe in you. Get busy we're waiting for the next play," or whatever it is you're working on.

Go. Create. Inspire!
You are a unique and creative individual and the world is waiting for your masterpieces!

Journaling Prompt:  Who are your champions?

A Change in Seasons

During the summer, leafy maples and alders fill in the spaces of our towering evergreen forest. From my window the lushness is impenetrable. Beautiful.

But now--somehow--it is November and the mountains have reached through the last of the falling leaves to find our house.

The change is not necessarily for the better or worse, but the view of those majestic peaks is welcome.

There are times when I find old photos of Beau and moments gone by reach through the lushness of thirteen years to embrace me.

And now--somehow--he is a teenager.

Earlier this week I waited for him as a sea of colossal eighth graders spilled out the front of the school. Beau's 5'3" frame emerged and climbed into the front seat. His friend, Daniel found the back seat.

"So Daniel," Beau began, "where are you going trick-or-treating this year?"

"Oh...um...I'm not going this year."

"What? Why not?" 

"I'm kind of getting a little too old for that."

I watched it happen in my peripheral vision. This was the same boy who we had to finally sit down in the fifth grade for a very frank conversation about Santa Claus.

No clue, I tell you.

And now clearly he was completely oblivious to the thought that someday he just might be too old to trick-or-treat.

The transition over the next two days was interesting.

He asked another friend, Tyler, "are you going trick-or-treating this year?" 

"Nah."

He called Jaxon. "What are you doing for Halloween this year?"

By now his tone had changed from the thrill of dressing-up and petitioning kind strangers for candy to a more socially aware exploration of the alternatives.

He ended up spending Hallowen "hanging out" at Jaxon's house with Daniel and Tanner--all good boys.

So this was the year. At thirteen, Beau shrugged off trick-or-treating like it was last year's too-small-coat. 

Another change in seasons for my first-born.

The New Clean

I'm biting my tongue...STILL.

At first it was kind of hard not to say anything. Seriously, "clean" has taken on an entirely new definition. Um, hello? Your jeans could walk around on their own, Sweetheart.

But now? Now it grows even more amusing with each passing day.

Hey, it's a wapping 38 degrees out this morning! But those shorts sure do look warm and toasty! (ran out of clean pants, huh?)

I suppose I should be a little embarassed. But as I recently sat in Cub Scout pack meeting, clapping as my son received an award, all I could do was laugh at his one-size-too-small athletic pants with a giant hole in the knee.

 (This ridiculously blurry photo of Tyjah pinning me with his bobcat award this summer is the best I have for the moment!) 

I admit, after he sat back down, I whispered a responsible, "those really aren't okay to wear to pack meeting, Tyjah." But inside I was still smiling.

I taught my oldest three children how to do their laundry this summer. I don't know what took me so long.

They've done a great job for months. But the last couple of weeks I've seen Mount Laundry in the boys' room grow to a formidable height.

Nothing like natural consequences, I tell you--EXCEPT WHEN YOUR KIDS ARE TOTALLY OKAY WITH THEM!

Heartland Symphony Orchestra fundraiser at Cragun's Resort

Quote of the Day:  Beethoven is a miracle. Music is so beautiful. Where we can play, it can't be so terrible. The music. The music! Even thinking of music makes me happy. Music is a dream. It is the only thing that helps me to have Hope...God. Alice Herz-Sommer, oldest living Holocaust survivor and piano player. Watch the video interview on Youtube. 

Last night, at Cragun's Resort, near Brainerd, MN, we had a chance to experience music and fine dining and support the Heartland Symphony Orchestra. What a gorgeous night! The food was delicious, the music delightful. The people who gathered to support the arts in our area were happy and friendly. From donated silent auction items to the gift of music and the excellent cuisine, we were all well-fed, body, mind, and spirit. Here are a few highlights.

Dutch Cragun visiting with the HSO conductor Sergey Bogza.

He is a Russian-born American with a passion for music.

Two beautiful supporters of the arts, especially music, Cleo and Krista.

Awaiting their gorgeous sound.

Bobbi French, Paul Anderson and Sergey Bogza playing "Sonata in G Minor for Violin and Viola" by Georg Phillipp Telemann. This musical selection was served with the Kartoffelsuppe (potato soup).

I'd like a second helping, please.

The Cragun's table, toasting this splendid event.

Sergey Bogza playing "October" from The Seasons by Peter Ilyich Tchaikovsky. 

You haven't heard that composer's name said properly until you've heard it from a native speaking Russian!

This selection was served the the Salat (cold crab and rice).

A bit of October for the ears and the tongue.

Sergey kindly stopped at our table to visit.

He describes his mother as "A Soul Person," a mother and a lover of music and the arts.

I'd like to think of myself as a "Soul Person" as well.

Our high school band director Chris Fogederud on the trumpet, his wife Sarah with her trombone, and Sergey on the piano for the main course, Steak and "An Elizabethan Songbook."

Yep. It was as delicious as it looks.

A couple folks getting into the spirit of the evening.

From Austria, we had Braised Knockwurst with cabbage and apples and Mozart's "Clarinet concert in A Major" played by Jeanne Rohr on the clarinet and Cindy Koopmann on the piano.

Almost all the talking stopped and barely a fork was lifted as we savored this song.

Betty and Deb handed out the door prizes.

I won the fall arrangement...and forgot it on my table!

Ah, I'll track it down. It's lovely. Thank you to the person who donated it!

The sweet French dessert accompanied this duo: Kaarin Hanske on the oboe and Amber Tappe playing the harp: Algues: 7 pieces pour hautbois et petite harpe by Bernard Andres.

I tried for an artistic angle of the harpist.

Cleo, Sergey, and Krista

Amber kindly posed for me with her harp. 

She is a music therapist for the central Minnesota area and explained to us why the harp is such a soothing instrument. Thanks to all of you for sharing the gift of music, tonight, and with the HSO.

The next performance for the Heartland Symphony Orchestra is December 7 & 8.

Saturday, December 7, 2013 – 7:30 p.m. LITTLE FALLS
Charles D. Martin Auditorium
Little Falls High School
1001 5th Avenue SE
Little Falls, MN

Sunday, Decemer 8, 2013 – 2:30 p.m. BRAINERD
Tornstrom Auditorium
Washington Educational Building
804 Oak Street
Brainerd, MN

In the Spring, HSO will be showcasing winners of a composer's competition. They have already received entries from Greece, Australia, Denmark, and Germany.

The next dinner fundraiser event for HSO will be the first weekend in February, 2014. Hope to see you there!

Go. Create. Inspire!

Journaling Prompt:  What food would you pair with your favorite music?

Halloween and Other Events

Quote of the Day:  Double, Double, Toil and Trouble, Fire Burn and Cauldron Bubble. William Shakespeare

Witch sister is which?

Joy and I had fun handing out treats at the Primo Art Spa. You can go over there to see more pics and read about it. It was a hoppin' Halloween in North Brainerd.

Tonight, Krista and I are attending the fundraiser event for the Heartland Symphony Orchestra. Music paired with menu items from around the world. I'm so pumped! I'll post a review and pics tomorrow.

Coming up in Pequot Lakes, Nov. 15-17 and 22-24, Oliver! You can get more information at their website Greater Lakes Area Performing Arts. You'll see Joy in the show as "Strawberry Seller." 

So much wonderful art and connections are happening. I hope that wherever you are, that you are enjoying the season and exploring the arts.

Go. Create. Inspire!

Journaling Prompt:  How was your Halloween? Did you dress up? What was your favorite costume as a kid?