Making the most of it

I found myself taking more pictures, sitting close, breathing in a lot more this Christmas. I don't mean to be pessimistic, I just want to enjoy all the time that I have with her.

My aunt ended up cutting mom's hair short. I just couldn't do it. I was thankful that she offered because I was trying to find a way to get out of it. What kind of daughter am I that I can't even cut her hair?

Only 10 days to go until the first round of chemo. I called mom and dad today and she wanted to drive to Walmart to get herself a compact cd player to listen to audio books. This is the first time she has driven since the beginning of November. I can't wait to hear how it went. I'm hoping this last week she'll start feeling strong and be able to do stuff she's been wanting to do for the past month!!

I told my aunt that she's leaving too quickly and I think she thinks I'm worried about the chemo (which I'm not, really). It's five hours of trying to keep her entertained as they put toxins in her body to get rid of the cancer. Pretty easy, I guess. We're all relieved that she's not supposed to get sick. We hang on to that with a hope and prayer.

Christmas this year was extra meaningful. It makes all other Christmas' feel as if I should have appreciated them more.

Since we didn't do much on the way of gifts, it made us focus on what is really important. Time with the family. It was wonderful.

Catching up during the Christmas season

Christmas at the Lollar house is always crazy, wonderful and memorable. Christmas Eve we went to The Orchard church and enjoyed the Christmas story being read to over 50 children. We didn't enjoy the Christmas carols being "vamped up" to contemporary sounding music. If it ain't broke, why fix perfection? We then came home, watched a bit of Lord of the Rings The Two Towers and got the boys ready for bed. After completing the mommy and daddy duties, we crawled into bed around 11:00 p.m. Brian and I woke up at 5:00 a.m. to find out that the two older boys had decided to get up around 11:30 and see what Santa had left them. After going through their stockings, seeing the gifts that Santa had left and watching t.v. while eating the sugar treats, they finally went back to bed at around 3:00 a.m. SOOO, Brian and I figured we'd let them sleep until 7:00 and then wake them up. This is the first Christmas morning where I have been able to have all of my coffee, take a shower, read the paper and actually wake up before the boys are slowly staggering out of bed! Needless to say, the boys were dragging by 1:00 p.m. after the excitement of opening the presents had disappaited from their bodies. We went over to my mom's house to celebrate and see a lot of my family members that had gathered. We listened to my dad read another version of the Christmas story, sang Christmas songs (this is a Jones' tradition) and then opened the presents. We then sat down for an amazing dinner and played games the rest of the evening. All in all, it was a spectacular Christmas!! Here are some pics...enjoy!

Corrin allowing me to take a pic because Nana requested it!

Santa had come...and obviously loved the cookies!


Riordan coming downstairs to see what's under the Christmas tree!

The boys looking at their gifts

Rockin' to Guitar Hero World Tour

Mom's ready to party!

Dad reading the Christmas story

Singing Christmas Carols

Someone is happy that it's Christmas!!

I actually caught him smiling on camera!!

Vegging out with Aunt Mar-Mar

Contemplating nap time after dinner

The girls

I hope you all had a magical Christmas...and here's to a fabulous New Year!

Having fun with the presents

Brian and I decided, after listening to the boys pulverize our old pots and pans, that we should get Riordan a drum set for his birthday. After looking for awhile, I decided to get the smaller set to see what would happen and if they'd even play it. This entire morning has been listening to the drums being played. Now, most people would be thinking, "ARE YOU CRAZY?!" We heard that last night alot, actually. However, being musically inclined, we'd much rather hear the actual sound of drums rather than the tin sound of pots. So...here's some pics.

Happy 6th, Riordan!

What a day! I had tons to do to get ready for the party. Thank goodness my mother-in-law had all three boys at her house for four hours so I could run all of my errands without listening to the whining of the kids! Anyway, the morning started with me getting an error message on our oven. Brian called with the heads up (thank goodness, I would have FREAKED out!!) and we tried the ole turn off and turn it back on. It worked, so I made the cake! I then went around town and picked up various things. Came home, played the computer and was hoping for a phone call to pick up the kids so I could come back and nap. Nope, didn't happen.

At 6:00, our first guest was there, and after that it was a whirlwind for an hour. Pizza, opening gifts, killing the pinata and then birthday cake. Riordan made out!!

More pictures will be added tomorrow. I'm sittin' on it right now.

Realization

I had sort of a mini break-down yesterday. Just a bit of a crying jag...thank goodness my hubby was there. I don't like crying in front of the boys because they think it's something they did, and it had nothing to do with them.

Around the holidays, it's a little bit crazy for everyone. It's like we have this heightened awareness...and also sensitivity. I'm not sure if it's like this for everyone, but I know that I'm a bit more teary during this time of year. The extra stress of getting everything done just right along with my mom still not feeling good is starting to wear me down.

As I was crying, I said, "I just want to make everything alright" or something to that effect. I'm feeling very helpless with my mother's situation and I'm transferring that to everyone else in my family by trying to make everyone happy and well. We had my in-law family over and some things were said that I felt were personal attacks to me. Looking back, they weren't, it just made me feel like I was doing something wrong. Not taking care of everyone correctly.

I have a decision to make. I can either take what I know in stride and just let things go, or I can actually talk to the person that hurt me. Is it my problem as of late, or is it something that needs to be discussed?

When I become sensitive (and this isn't a normal occurance for me...usually I get pissed and then just let it go) things tend to pile up and everything gets to me unless I talk about the first, uh, transgression. I don't like feeling this way, it's coloring my holidays with an ugly tint, and I normally love this time of year.

I'm normally a very open person (some say too direct). I feel as if I try to be tactful, but with this person, nothing I could say would go over well. The decision to make is...do I say something so I feel better and make the other person feel as I do now? Or do I let it go and feel like shit? I know I'll get over it, but can't guarantee the other person will.

Ahhh, the holidays.

Riordan's lost tooth!

Riordan finally lost his first tooth! As we were sitting down at dinner, I noticed that he was able to move it a lot more. So, right before bath time, daddy twisted the tooth and voila!!! Empty space in mouth. He is SO excited!

Feeling helpless

is the worst feeling of all.

What a blur this past weekend was. So much planned and so little accomplished. Last night I had the plummeting of the stomach because I realized I had not done any laundry this weekend which is a disaster in my house. On Friday night, I went over to my friends house. We try to have a girls night out about once a month to catch up on what is going on in each other's lives. We played Hearts which is the only game that I'm ever competitive in and had a glass of wine. I love this time because we laugh, cry, cuss, and just let loose. I can't believe I went 32 years without girls night out.

On Saturday, Brian, Daegan and I went shopping in the morning. Spirits were up because most people were still safely home in their beds. We got some incredible deals on some items and came home. I then went out again to a nearby city and did some more shopping. As I sat in my car, I listened to some praise music while everyone else was stressed out, laying their hands on their horns and holding their heads in misery. I turned up the music and tried to let the cacophony around me diminish. I came home about two hours later than I had planned on to an empty house because Brian had taken two of the boys shopping for my Christmas present. :) Saturday night there was the Festival of Lights. I was so tired from the shopping and had made plans to go to a party at a friends that I stayed home and let Brian take the younger two to watch the floats. I then went to the party. It was...a bit weird. These are people all from my old church that I hadn't seen since July. They all wanted to know how the family was and what I had been doing. None of them asked if I was coming back, but told me they missed me. I missed every single one of them, but will not be returning to that church.

On Sunday, it was time to try to finish the homemade presents that the boys were making. Complete chaos, but of the good kind. Everyone finished their presents except Corrin (he went out to see a movie with his grandpa). All we could do was huddle up in the house because it's been so cold outside. After trying to finish the presents again after naptime, everyone had lost interest in the projects, so it was a "Go, team, go" afternoon.

I talked to my dad a few times on the phone. On Friday, mom had her port installed for the chemo. A short surgery that had her out for about 45 minutes. They also gave her Percoset for the muscle spasms she's been enduring, so she was out every time I called. I'm hoping that the medication works and let's her body heal. She really wants to feel better before Christmas. They have decided on an oncologist that is located in Ft. Collins. A specialist that has worked with patients with ovarian cancer a lot more than other oncologists. Dad is still working on findng the "right" treatment. They have decided to start mom's chemo after Christmas. Mom has informed me she wants me to shave her head before she starts chemo. I think I can do it...

Today has a high of 10, I think. I'll be spending most of the day driving the boys to and from school.

Christmas meme

My friend Nancy posted this on her blog and it got me thinking. I had to fill one out myself!

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Both. The gift bag thing is very handy for footballs. It's like a God send.

2. Real tree or Artificial? Usually an artificial for convenience, but this year I wanted a real one for the smell. I got a Fraser Fir which is a gorgeous tree that doesn't lose it's needles quickly (real long lasting) but I am disappointed in the lack of smell.

3. When do you put up the tree? Usually the weekend after Thanksgiving.

4. When do you take the tree down? Early January

5. Do you like eggnog? I love the stuff.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? Probably my Barbie house. I played with that thing for hours at a time.

7. Hardest person to buy for? Corrin, hands down

8. Easiest person(s) to buy for? My nephew

9. Do you have a nativity scene? We do! It's special because Brian and I bought it our first year of marriage.

10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Mail! Seriously? Email Christmas cards??

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? A used book. Hands down.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie? This is nearly impossible for me to answer. I love It's a Wonderful Life, A Christmas Story and National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? No soon enough (I hear you, Nancy!)

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? No.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? My husband's prime rib

16. Lights on the tree? Yes. Usually white. Went with multi-colored this year.

15. Favorite Christmas song? O Holy Night (if sung correctly)

16. Travel at Christmas or stay home? No need to travel. Family is here. :)

17. Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer? Since my youngest has been singing this non-stop for about three weeks, I've got all of their names down.

18. Angel on the tree top or a star? Angel

19. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? One week early for our extended family, Christmas morning for the boys and us, Christmas afternoon for our other extended family.

20.Most annoying thing about this time of the year. How crazy people are when driving.

21. Favorite ornament theme or color? I love the boys' tree because they have all of their ornaments from each year. They absolutely love going through them year after year. I would like to have my "pretty" tree up one year, but the family tree always wins.

22. Favorite for Christmas dinner? Prime rib!

23. What do you want for Christmas this year? A book written by Lauren Springer.

What about you?

It's not like I haven't had anything to say

I kept coming here, hoping that I could write down some thoughts, but nothing coherent would come out and I've erased things just about every day. Nothing seems important to write about. I think now that I have opened up this blog for family members, it makes me think a bit more about what I write because I know they are coming here for mom's updates. Why would they want to read about what's going on in my life? Then I received an email from my aunt and she told me she enjoyed reading them. I've always wanted a close relationship with my aunt. She lives in Cali, and we're not able to see her very often. I hope that if she does gain anything from this, uh, creeping into my head, she'll get to know her niece a bit more. She'll also get to know her great nephews through the written word. :)

I never wrote for anyone else's pleasure but my own. It changes the dynamics. So, after thinking about this for a week, I've realized that I really have missed blogging, and I can't worry about who is reading it or who isn't. The important thing (to me) is that I'm able to write out my feelings because sometimes it clears my head. Now, more than ever, it's important for me to do.

Today was a good day. I went over to my mom's house and took her Christmas shopping. We drove around to a few places and then came back home. She was ready for a nap when we got back, so she laid down and I convinced dad to have the boys and I put up the Christmas tree. Yes, I let the boys ditch so I could go shopping with my mom. One of my favorite memories was helping my grandparents put up their tree every year. I was hoping to make it a memory for my own children. They had a blast with helping Papa and Nana. Mom's spirits were up for most of the day, but really got great when she received a phone call from her oncologist's patients telling her that the chemo would NOT make her sick. It settled mom's mind to hear it from a patient rather than a doctor.

Yesterday I went to Family Christian Bookstore to find some gifts for my family. After roaming around for awhile and looking at just about every item they had, I came across the "memory" section for those who have lost a loved one. It hit me hard. I don't know why, I just started bawling. I couldn't get through the rest of the store. I've been doing well with thinking positively, but yesterday was a rough one. Anyway, I found a great gift for my mom, and brought it over today. She immediately started crying while reading it. I had hoped that she could put it by her bed for her to see every morning. It wasn't my intention to have it cause her pain, but to remind her of God never leaving her side. I hope that it gives her peace. For the life of me, I cannot remember what it says at this moment!

I'm so tired today. Riordan came in AGAIN in the middle of the night because his legs were hurting. I rubbed his legs and then tried to fall asleep myself. It took forever. I'm exhausted this evening. Ready for bed...

Third time's the charm...or is it?

There's a running joke with families with multiple kids how different you treat the first kid compared to the last one. Pacifier falls on the floor with the first one? You hurriedly rush to wash it off with boiling water and soap. By the third one, you pick it up, dust it off, and stick it back in their mouth. I thought by now, I would be done with most of the differences since the boys are out of babyhood, but I've realized today that it'll probably happen througout their lives. However, it's going the opposite way than what I thought it would.

Riordan has a very loose tooth. He is BEGGING me to pull it. The other boys have had loose teeth and I've pulled them out without thinking twice. I can't seem to get myself to do it with Riordan. I'm afraid I'm going to hurt him. My baby. I'll make him bleed. How do I know it's REALLY ready to come out? That tooth is so freaking SMALL.

I think I'll ask Brian to take care of it. I can't seem to do anything but look at it, move it, and say, "not quite ready!" How fitting...

Little boobie

Yesterday I'm sitting on the couch with Riordan. To give you a bit of a backstory, I had surgery on my left breast two years ago to remove a lump. For some reason, this breast really is tender and sore about two weeks before my period. So...for the past two years, if one of my kids get's even close to that boob, I kind of freeze and yell, "Watch out for the boob!" They don't understand how sometimes the boob hurts, and other times it's just fine.

Anyway, I'm sitting on the couch with Riordan. We were snuggling together, and he adjusted where he was sitting. He then froze, looked at me, patted my boob and says, "Oh! I don't want to hurt your little boobie!"

In between laughter and hurt that he called it "little" (not really, I'm pretty realistic about the entire thing) I told him thank you, and we then snuggled again.

First appointment after surgery

Mom went to her first oncology appointment. This is the first doctor of two she'll try. She loved her, which is GREAT. When the doctor was talking to mom about the chemo treatments, she started to feel very hot, and went out for a drink. Next thing she knew, she had nurses all over her...she almost fainted. Obviously the idea of chemo is still the big hurdle, but the doctor is telling her that she can have her chemo and drive home from the treatment. She doesn't have to get sick.

There are quite a few options. The IP (or the abdominal adminstration of chemo) is out because mom does not want to do that one. They also have two drugs they give her every three weeks for a total of 4 months. On top of that, they have a clinical trial that involves Avastin (Zimmer...you were on top of THAT drug!!) and placebo. There are three different arms of the clinical trial and mom and dad wouldn't know which arm she'd be trying, but Avastin has some positive things written on the internet, and I hope they choose to do that.

I'm relieved. Mom sounds good. Dad has facts swarming in his head, and I'm sure he's dying to go home and read all about it on the computer. All in all, it sounds like it was a positive experience!!!

He's not coming. I called my brother yesterday, got his voicemail. Left him a message wanting to know if he was still going to be here, well, today. Told him that we'd figure out a way for him to get from Boulder to where my parents live.

He called and left me a message saying he was sick, his girlfriend is looking for a place to live in Cali, and that she wanted him to wait a couple more weeks. If I wouldn't have called him, we would have never known.

I'm not surprised. However, no matter how hard I try NOT to be hurt, I am hurt. He has always had that effect on me. While lying in bed last night, I went over things that I would love to say to him, but never have had the chance to. The questions always start out with "Why?" and "How?" Why have you decided to not be a part of our lives? Why have you let so much time go without trying to make things better? How can you NOT miss your family? Do you know you have three perfect nephews that would worship you...and you're missing it ALL? Do you know you have a family that would take you back like the prodigal son if you would just make the effort? Why are you the way you are? What do you tell your friends and girlfriend about us...that you never have contact with us? How could a woman be okay with that?

He said he's thinking of coming out in a couple of weeks. I do not believe him. He didn't call my mom on her birthday, nor did he try to contact us to say Happy Thanksgiving. It's more of the same. Distant. Self absorbed. I want to strangle him.

5 things to be thankful for...

I woke up this morning, and decided that I would put some thought into what I am thankful for. There are more than five things, of course, but these are my TOP 5. In random order:

1. My husband. We've been married for almost 14 years. We have shared laughter, tears, arguments, make-up sex, down times, up times and flat times. He is my best friend. My hero in so many ways. He loves me with such strength that it's mind boggling. He loves my quirks (and I have many) and laughs at/with me at the best times. He is intelligent and sensitive and the opposite of me in almost every way, but somehow we are perfect for each other. I love you, Brian.

2. My kids. We started early, and so many people thought it was never meant to be, but 3 kids later, I wouldn't change how we started for anything. They each are unique. Different personalities, different characteristics. Each show us their love in different ways. I'm thankful they are healthy, smart, active young boys. Their is nothing like the love of boys for their mother.

3. Friends. There was a time in my life where I felt alone. That I had to do things on my own without any help. That I had to conquer my fears all by myself. Not anymore. I have a close group of friends that I call nearly daily. I have family in my life that are my best friends. I am so grateful that they show their unconditional love to me because I am not perfect and far from being so. I could not imagine going back to the time where I was alone. Thank you.

4. A place to live. All around me there are people losing their jobs, and losing their homes. Two years ago, I was hesitant to move in to my current home, but after taking the time to make it mine, I couldn't imagine living anywhere else. (well, if I won a million dollars, maybe...) I am so grateful for having a roof over my head. I am grateful to have heat during the cold days, and air conditioning during the hot ones! I am grateful for having a bed to sleep on during the night. I try not to take all of this for granted...especially when reaching into my refrigerator or pantry and knowing there is always somethng there to eat.

5. My family. This goes to my extended family on both sides. Of course my mom and dad who have always been there for me. Who love me with such great tenderness that it brings me to tears to write about it. My mom and dad who I couldn't imagine not here on this earth. I would die for them. My in-laws who I am happy to call mom and dad. I am so grateful that they are who they are. They would willingly give the shirts off their backs for their family. I also thank them for raising such a wonderful man. I owe them big time for that. My aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents. We have something unique, you all. A love for each other that motivates us to see each other every other year. The need to contact each other when our hearts are heavy. We know that we will be there for each other through anything. I don't see this closeness in a lot of families and revel in the uniqueness. We enjoy each other's company and love to laugh with one another. It is something to truly be thankful for.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

Morning joy

Last night (or should I say early this morning) I hear the tiny voice of Riordan saying my name from the side of the bed. "Mom, Mom, can I come up?" I groggily say, "Okay" and then pull back the warm blankets and have him climb up. He immediately takes the entire pillow, and my blankets and I listen to him fall asleep. Just like that. I lay there, listening to him breathe. I snuggle up to him to feel his warmth. I nuzzle his face because, even at 5, he has the certain smell that only young kids have. It's a combination of his shampoo, and 5-year-old. I realize that I won't be getting much sleep as he flings his arm and almost knocks me out.

Heh heh. This kid does not know how to share space in bed. I love him anyways.

Absolute fear

The boys got home from school. Riordan and Daegan are playing outside, Corrin is watching t.v. I go upstairs and start reading the many blogs that I read, plus a few more. Corrin comes upstairs and asks if he can spend the night over at his grandparents, I tell him to call and ask. The answer is yes, so he rides over to their house on his bike. Another five minutes pass and then I come downstairs and see Riordan, but no Daegan. I look outside in the back (by this time it's getting dark) and don't see or hear him. Sometimes the boys play football in the back in the dark (although this has become something of the past since Daegan ran into a tree stake a couple of months ago) so I called his name. Nothing. I go back inside and then go to the front and open the door and call his name. Nothing.

Now, if you have kids, you know sometimes they just do this. They know YOU don't know where they are, and they think it's the funniest thing in the world to listen to their parents call for them. I'm thinking at first this is what is going on. So, I go around the house on the inside and start calling his name. Looking in the closets, under the beds, downstairs in the basement. Still not hearing him. By this time, I'm getting angry. I call Brian. He asks me if I've said the obligatory "this isn't funny, and you're in trouble if you don't come out right now." I tell him I haven't and that I'll do that. 20 minutes have gone by with me continuously calling him outside and inside. I am now in the mommy freak-out mode. I can't find him ANYWHERE.

I call my father-in-law and ask if, by any reason, Daegan went to his house with Corrin. Nope. I start to cry. The blubbering, can't understand a single thing I'm saying type of cry. I happen to look up and see Daegan's face peering through the window of the front door. By this time I'm not sure if I want to strangle him or hug him. I hurriedly told my father-in-law that I found him and rushed to the door. Call Brian back and tell him I found him.

I then just sit there and cry. Daegan knows at this time he's in deep shit.

There is nothing at all worse than the fear of losing a child. This was the longest 20 minutes of my life.

To answer the question you're all thinking...yes...he's still alive. He said he didn't hear me calling him. I have no idea if this is the truth or not, but I'm guessing he won't be leaving the house without letting me know from now on.

Shoes and the guilty shopper

I'm a woman and I am unique. I feel guilty shopping. If I buy for others, I enjoy it, but when it comes to me, I have to convince myself I'm worth it. I rarely spend more than $20 on a haircut. I don't get my nails done (although I splurge on pedicures once in awhile, but it's not for vanity...it kicks ass). If I dye my hair, I go to King Soopers and buy the box dye and do it myself. I just don't spend money on myself!

So...I happened to go into Famous Footwear the other day and my eyes fell upon a pair of Dr Martens. On sale. I tried them on. I loved them. I just couldn't fathom spending so much money on a pair of shoes. Yes, I need brown shoes. Yes, they were on sale. Yes, they were the style that I love. But $85!!! Wowzers. So, I left the store without shoes in hand.

Yesterday, I wore my brown boots all day. These boots are not the kind that you walk in for hours. They're cute, but they have a heel (which is something ELSE I don't do) and at the end of the night, my feet hurt, my calves hurt, and those brown Dr Martens were calling my name.

Today, I went out and bought them. Yes, I feel a bit guilty. But they are flat, comfortable and look adorable on my feet. I am happy.

I should be cleaning

This past week has been a busy one. It's always crazy this time of year, I'm not sure why I'm even surprised. Yesterday, we went over to our best friends house. It was so good to see him. There were about 20 people that came over, to celebrate an early Thanksgiving with him before he heads out to Iraq. It's amazing to see how this one person has affected so many people. The love in the house was staggering. I know that I felt blessed to have one more day with him before he left. The kids...they're having a hard time with knowing he'll be gone for so long. Daegan especially. After everyone left, Gus took the kids downstairs to lift weights. Listening to it from upstairs left a smile on my face. Taking the time for that one last activity is SO Gus. We then watched Ren and Stimpy and then came home.

I talked to mom yesterday. She's still feeling the effects of the infection that she got. The other day dad had to drain the infection. It took him 45 minutes to get it all out. She's wanting to get out of the house, but gets so tired after a little time on her feet. She loves to go Christmas shopping, and was brought to tears with the idea she wouldn't be able to do it this year. I told her that she now will be like MOST people and wait until the last minute, and then do power shopping for two days. I told Brian that I'd like to spend the night and do a two-day shopping with her. The problem is, we don't know when she'll get her strength back, and so making plans is difficult.

Something I didn't write...Brian was hired back on as a contractor for the previous company that he worked for. We don't know how long the job will last...it could be 3months, it could be 6...but at least he's working through the Holiday's. This is one reason I haven't had the time to blog. The irony is great that he was hired back by the same company that just let him go. We are very thankful for the opportunity. This still allows him some time to search for another job, and it does great things for his self esteem. I miss him greatly, though. It was nice to have him home during his three week hiatus.

Looking forward to Thanksgiving. There are many, many things to be thankful for.

Birthdays

Today is my mom's birthday. I called her yesterday wanting to know if she was up to doing anything. She said she'd like a short visit from us...and a juicy hamburger. Her appetite isn't back to normal, she said something about her taste buds being screwed up, but she's wanting a hamburger. Her wish is my demand, we'll stop by Sonic to score one. She talked about her birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas being sort of null and void this year. I asked her what she thought made a good Thanksgiving and Christmas and she answered, "being surrounded by family and friends." I told her that that was what was going to happen, that she was going to be better by this Christmas, and to never throw any time away.

She's feeling better. Got dressed yesterday rather than wear her comfy p.j.'s. The stitches still hurt to wear clothing, but it's getting better. She also fixed her hair and put some make-up on. She IS getting better. The best thing, though, is that mom and dad are a team now. Him and her against this "cancer". She brought up chemo and told me how terrified of it she was. She'll be meeting with her doctor about how to combat the fear. I wished out loud that he had some way to erase the memory of how her own mother suffered during chemo, and how that would make it easier. I'm thinking hypnotism, and I'm not joking. I also wish for my aunt to have it done. I can't imagine what it is like to take care of your mother during such a terrible time. I guess I will be seeing it for myself. All I want is for them to find a drug so she doesn't get sick!!

Anyway, I went to the store to pick out some birthday cards and I sat there crying. I always take about 15-20 minutes to pick out the perfect card. Hallmark has come a long way. They had some that talked about mom being her daughter's best friend. How she is always there for you during your time of need. How no matter what, your mom roots for you, during all times of bad decisions, curtain calls, etc. I just...am so thankful for her. The bad thoughts keep creeping in, and I know they'll be there...but they're coming in less and less. All I know is we need to be appreciative of every moment that we have. Every birthday is now a milestone of her being a survivor. For she IS a survivor, of the most incredible kind.

I picked out two good books for mom to read. One is There's No Place Like Hope by Vickie Girard and the other is Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips by Kris Carr. I felt both offered an optimistic way to handle the news, the sickness and the chemo. I'm not sure if she'll ever read them, but I found them written very well and suggest anyone who has a loved one who is a woman who was diagnosed with cancer to read them.

God speaks through song

Hurt by Thousand Foot Krutch

Drop the ball, watch it fall far below
Suck you in, hold your breath
The undertow creeps in slow
Everyone owns a gun deep inside
It's just a matter of how much you let it slide

Drop the ball, watch it fall far below
Suck you in, hold your breath
The undertow creeps in slow
Everyone owns a gun deep inside
It's just a matter of how much you let it slide

Help me help you they wont be there
Help me help you they won't see

It hurts when you need me
And I can't break your fall
It hurts when you can't see
And it hurts

Drop the switch, scratch the itch, watch it grow
Inch by inch, the cutting board, watch it swing to and frau
Everyone carries one deep inside
It's just a matter of how much you let it slide

Wash it off, take the loss, let it go
Take it in, drink it up, we can just take it slow
Everyone carries one deep inside
It's just a matter of how much you let it slide

Help me help you they wont be there
Help me help you they won't see

It hurts when you need me
And I can't break your fall
It hurts when you can't see
And it hurts

It hurts when you need me
And I can't break your fall
It hurts when you can't see
And it hurts

And it hurts when you're lonely
And I'm standing right beside you there
And it hurt when you told me
That you told me that you tried this on your own

Hope you never hurt
Hope you never cry
Hope you never lose your way tonight
Hope you never crumble
Hope you never fall
Hope you never throw away the

Drop the ball, watch it fall far below
Suck you in, hold your breath, watch it swing

It hurts when you need me
And I can't break your fall
It hurts when you can't see
And it hurts

It hurts when you need me
And I can't break your fall
It hurts when you can't see
And it hurts

And it hurts
And it hurts
And it hurts
And it hurts
And it hurts
And it hurts

Revelation

Why do these revelations always hit me while I'm in the shower??

Yeah. I'm pissed at God. It explains a lot.

Peace...what's that?

Visited a church for the second time yesterday. I left feeling...unsatisfied. I don't even know what I'm supposed to be doing there anymore, except what has been ingrained in me. Worship. I'm at a point in my life that it all seems, I don't know, important...necessary...but a waste of time. This scares me like you'd never believe. I feel as if I reach out...out...to forever, and can't quite grasp for whatever I'm reaching. I still believe in God. I call out to Him in struggle, I thank Him for my daily blessings. I just can't feel Him. I feel as if He has taken a vacation from being by my side.

For me, worship means singing. I love this band that is at the church we visited. They are talented, and obviously are worshipping. The group sang songs that I had never heard of, so I stood there and listened. Closed my eyes and breathed. It brought tears to my eyes, but I think it was mostly out of frustration, because I couldn't feel what I had felt before. For the longest time, listening to music at my other church would hurt my ears. It was distracting to me. At least when I joined Joyful Noise I could lend my talents to the group, but more importantly, not have the sound distract me from what I was there for. LOL. I could hear myself and a couple of others, and for the most part, it was good enough. I WOULD be worshipping. Then, the stress from my pastor...it ceased to be worshipping again. It's been a long time.

I am CRYING OUT. I am DESPERATE for some peace here, God. I wrote a quick blog on myspace about needing peace...and my hubby, so lovingly wrote, "Have you asked for it?" So, I made that part of my daily routine. Prayer to God as I was showering. "Please...please God. Take this ache away!!" Nothing. NOTHING!!! I feel my anxiety rise. I feel my stomach churning. I think, "Okay, I need to put myself in a place where I can feel you closer, going to a church."

NOTHING.

I hate this. Will I find it again? The place that God wants me to be? I'm surrounded by churches. Surely there is a place that is right for our family. A place that we can feel connected. ONE with our beliefs. ONE with the spirit.

Normal

Today was a fun day. Got to spend a lot of money in a short time for home entertainment. Brian and I worked together all day putting together our new television and sound system (okay, HE worked, I was there for moral support). I loved watching Brian, he was so excited. His excitement was contagious. After turning the t.v. on and listened to the first part of a movie, we just sat there in awe. Ha, what technology can do to a person. It was great to keep busy and not constantly think of everything that is going on. Of course, I started to feel guilty that I wasn't thinking about things, but told myself that was ridiculous and snapped out of that funk.

Had my in-laws over for dinner. The conversation quickly went to news about my mom. It's intersting to talk to people. They want to hear, but they don't want to hear too much. Of course, it's nearly impossible to have a conversation when there are three boys vying for their grandparents attention, too.

I talked quickly with mom, and heard it was a down day for her. She's thinking about how she had the opportunity to have a more in depth look at her omentum, and she chose to go to her reunion instead. I told her she couldn't beat herself up for it, how in the heck could she have known? Even the doctors acted like it wasn't that big of a deal. We just don't know, and as people say, hindsight is always 20/20

I wished in my mind that things could go back to normal. Where we only worried about the financial crisis and the fact that Obama is the 44th President (although this wasn't a worry for me, I was elated!!)

What is normal? I'm sure this will become easier, I just don't know if normal will ever be normal again.

Just another day

I went to visit mom today. She looks great. Aunt Marsha fixed her hair, which a woman has to do to feel pretty. :) Still has pain when she gets up and moves around, but absolutely none when lying in bed. She's only taking ibuprofen now...won't even touch the Vicodin.

Her first night home she got very, very sick. We're not sure why. It could have been the mix of Vicodin, a little food in her stomach and then the stomach not liking the mix, or it could have been other things. We don't know. All we do know is on Wednesday we were talking about taking her BACK to the hospital, but instead got some anti-nausea medication for her, and she's back on track. However, she won't take anything besides the ibuprofen now. I felt so bad that she was up all night sick, and so grateful that Marsha was with her the entire time.

Since yesterday morning, she's been getting better and better. Her spirits are up and down. The reality is setting in, and it's difficult. I refuse to tell her to "think positively" because I've heard from several cancer patients it's the one thing they don't want to hear. They just want to be able to feel what they feel without being told to NOT feel that way. I listen, and I rarely have anything to say. I'm not sure how long I can go without saying anything. She's used to me having an opinion on everything!!! We briefly talked about Ryan calling. I still can't tell how she felt about it. She wasn't upset that he called, she's just still upset it's been so LONG since he's called.

The topic of chemo was brought up because dad was talking to Uncle Jim on the phone. She's obviously not ready to hear about it OR talk about it. I don't blame her. She did say she's pissed that right when she starts feeling like her body is healing, she'll feel like shit from the chemo. She's right, and that really, really sucks.

Marsha will be leaving on Saturday. I worry that mom will get nervous, and lonely, and offered for her to call me if she needs me to come over. My husband has been so generous with letting me go when I need to.

I feel like dad is a bit overwhelmed. He's still gathering information. Mom will be meeting with her regular PCP AND her regular GYNO next week. Dad is trying to find the best possible place to receive her chemo...close by. We've been so very fortunate to have people know people who are either oncologists in different cities, or like my friend Zim, who is working at Harvard University actually on the team to find a cure for cancer. These people have all of the up to date information, and have plenty of ideas for dad to start on the chemo research. Also the new trial medications.

I'm tired...again. Thank goodness for trash t.v. that makes my brain stop thinking for awhile. Yay, Grey's Anatomy!

I hope I made the right choice

The past few weeks I've been trying to find a way to get in touch with my brother. The only way I had to stay in contact with him was through Myspace, and he doesn't chack it very often. I decided I would try to contact a friend of his that was on his myspace page that lived in the same city, and waited...waited...waited for this friend to get back in touch with me. He did, gave me Ryan's phone number, and I called Ryan this evening.

I'm pretty much just relieved that he reacted the way he did when I gave him the news. Wanted to know more information, asked for phone numbers, and then asked if he thought it would be alright to actually call my mother. Remember, Ryan and my mom haven't spoken in 8 years. He said he was concerned about upsetting her when she was so weak. I told him that I appreciated his concern and that I would call dad and ask what he thought. He said okay, and that he would talk to his significant other and ask what she thought. I said okay. Ryan acted...HUMAN.

I called dad, and he sounded a bit in shock that I was able to get in touch with Ryan. He thought it might be good to wait a couple of days and then have Ryan call. I said okay, that I would tell Ryan, and we left it at that. I sat down for dinner thinking I had 30 minutes to call Ryan and give him the news. While sitting down for about 30 seconds, my phone rang. My dad had come home and mom was on the phone with Ryan already.

I'm hoping the conversation went okay. I'm hoping this doesn't upset my mom so much that she starts having panic attacks. Maybe this is a way for them to reconnect, forgive, and restart?

I'm waiting very impatiently for my father to call me back and let me know how mom took the phone call. I hope I did the right thing...

Mom is home!

Wow, what a whirlwhind of a day yesterday! I drove to the hospital and got there about 9:30 in the morning. Mom had been taken off the (what I call) dopey drug and was administered 1 Ibuprofen and 1 Vicodin. I could already tell she was more alert! During the night and again in the morning she had had a bowel movement, but was feeling a bit dizzy and her stomach was upset. She was eating fruit because she was told to do so. I could also see that her anxiousness was returning, which made me worry a bit. She knew she wanted to get out of there, and was doing everything she could to prove it. Walking when told to do so, eating and drinking even when she didn't feel like it...what a trooper!!

I could tell it was wearing her out, so in the afternoon, I told her I was going to get something to eat so she could rest. I told the nurses that I would be RIGHT back, and went downstairs. I came back, and they had already removed her drain! Ooooh, I was pissed at myself at the nurses. I wanted to be there when they did it, because I had been told earlier that it was going to be painful. I had told the tech that, but she was not the one that had removed the drain. Mom told me it was incredibly painful, but she made it through. I told her that would be the worst part of the day...and I was right! Her resident came in and asked her if she was ready to leave that day, and she told him that there wasn't anything she could do to recouperate more at the hospital than she could do at home, so he said he'd be back. A little while later, the physical therapist came in and asked mom to get out of the bed. When mom reached for the bed rail, the therapist put the bed rail down and said, "you won't have one of those in your home bed." Then mom reached for the chair that was close by and that stinkin' therapist moved that out of the way, too!!! Mom rolled onto her side, sat up, than stood up with her arms up and said, "Ta-da!!" and was up and moving!! LOL. Nothing was going to keep her in that hospital another day. She then had to go up and down stairs which she didn't seem to have problems with. I don't know if it was adrenaline that was keeping her going or what, but I was so proud of her!!! I called my dad and aunt and told them that she was able to go home.

As we waited, a nurse came in and told mom that she had to take a medicine to keep the blood clots from forming...and it was in the form of a shot. Her anxiety sky rocketed. Mom and I started working on breathing techniques and waited for dad to get there, since he was the one who had to administer the shot. Dad finally walked in, read some material, waited for the nurse to come in, and then showed her how awesome HE is by not blanching at all, and gave my mom a shot of saline to show her he could do it. I was just humbled by the entire experience. After waiting for what seemed forever, mom was finally released and was able to go home. I know that her recovery will go even faster at home, and know that we will all rest a bit easier now that some of the worry of her recovery has passed. I still ask for prayers that she gets through the recovery period. Now that the morphine-like substance has left her body, the anxiousness will return. My mom has OCD and has a hard time NOT focusing on certain aspects. I pray that God will calm her mind and her heart as reality sinks in on what needs to happen next. I pray that since her body has not had solid foods in a week that her stomach eases, and the reintroduction of food does not cause her so much discomfort that she doesn't want to eat!! I also pray that my dad stays steady and strong. He CAN do this.

A day of relaxation...sorta

Today I stayed home again. My first day of a long week of cramps and that sort. I would have been no help at the hospital...mom would have wanted to give ME some of the medications she was getting. Hell, I might have asked for them. Stupid monthly cramps.

Anyway, talked to dad, and he had a chance to talk to the doctor. She answered all of his questions which is a great thing. We've found out that the name of mom's cancer is primary peritoneal cancer or PPC for short. Here is a good site if you want to learn a little more about it.
http://www.cancerbackup.org.uk/Cancertype/Ovary/Relatedcancers/Primaryperitonealcancer
It sounds very rare, so not a lot of people will have heard of it, so I'm still sticking with ovarian cancer when explaining it to people, or saying it's a type very similar to ovarian cancer.

Today mom has been a walking fanatic. Walking more and more, longer and longer is a great step. She knows that to get out of the hospital, she HAS to have a bowel movement, and to do that, she needs to get out of bed and make things happen. Mom doesn't have an appetite lately, which is okay since they still have her on a liquid diet. After this experience, I wouldn't doubt she'd never touch artificial sweetened jello again.

The social worker was talking to mom while I was on the phone. She's getting mom's family history, trying to make a case to the insurance company to allow her to have the genetic testing for the BRCA 1 gene. Even with the PPC, it sounds like the type of cancer that is genetic, so if I find out mom was predisposed, I need to do my own research, too. The problem with this genetic testing and getting insurance to cover it is if I AM predisposed, my insurance company can dump me. Not something I'm willing to have happen. I've been doing a bit of research on how much it would be to pay out of pocket.

Women in my life. I ask you at this time to think long and hard about your yearly exams. Even though these exams didn't catch my mom's because of the type it was, she really was dedicated to going. Get your mammograms. Get your yearly paps. It can make a difference between a chance of living because they could catch the cancer early to just trying to keep you alive if you don't. I love you and ask this of you. I know my mom will be saying this, too.

From the mouths of babes

I was talking to my eldest son the night before last. Told him I needed a hug. He gave it to me, and asked how I was doing. I told him I was worried about Nana. He said, "but they got all of the cancer out, right?" I started to talk to him about the chemo...and he stopped me and said, "Mom, they got all of the cancer. I'm thinking positively and you should, too."

Commence draw droppage.

He's right. There's no use in thinking about years left. All I should be thinking about now is she's here with us. What a blessing she is to all of us.

Kids. They always say the darndest things.

...

Because of my daze, I haven't been able to retain all of the information the nurses and doctors have been telling my family and myself. Yesterday, after being at the hospital, I started hearing tidbits that nagged at me through the entire day. "Lived a long time. At least 6-7 years when diagnosed." "Not through the next hard part, infection" and "Complications from the chemo". When you hear technical terms, it's easy for the mind to gloss over some of it, give the terms time to go through your head, and then BAM! reality hits. We're talking limited time, here. I keep hearing 3-5 years. 35-50% of women with ovarian cancer can get it again. I keep hearing about cancer swimming around in her abdomen. God, I know they have to be honest, but right now, I am thankful my mother is so out of it from the morphine that she's not retaining any of these facts. Let her body heal first, and then let the situation fully hit her.
I'm at the down part of the day, again. I'll be taking off visiting her today, and will be back tomorrow. I'll be doing a lot of research, because it's the only thing I CAN do.
As for the positives yesterday, mom was able to get out of bed, walk down the hall, and then lay down again. She took two walks...the second longer than the first which was great! My aunt and I were thoroughly pissed when we heard she had a terrible, pain filled night the first night because somehow her IV had come apart and the drugs for pain weren't getting into her body, but spilling onto the floor. My mom kept saying she kept hitting the button, and no relief was happening. I'm a pretty even tempered person, but was ready to kick ass and take names later when I heard about this!! The nurse evidently figured out the problem and fixed it, but we weren't happy to hear about it, and felt guilty for leaving her alone the first night.

Edit: did some research. Hard facts to swallow.

Not sure what to label this

Okay. New information that does ABSOLUTELY nothing for anyone, but it is new. Mom's cancer started on her omentum, not in her ovaries. They will be treating it the same as ovarian cancer, but...this answers a LOT of questions that we have. As in...how in the hell did it spread so fast (within a year)??? She had an ultrasound of her ovaries last year with nothing showing.
Around two years ago, my mother had what is called an omental infarction. This is the twisting of her omentum. Here's an article about what the omentum is
With the omentum infarction, came severe abdominal pain. They did a cat scan, diagnosed that was what was causing the pain, and then sent her home. The pain eventually resided, and the omentum was out of our minds.

I believe the cancer started the omental infarction, and it wasn't detected in the cat scan. I believe she's had cancer for almost two years. I believe it has had the time to spread in this two years.

I'm blown away. My father and I are piecing things together. Who to call to let these doctors know NOT to blow off patients with omental infarction. We feel that it is a necessity to at least put the information out there.

Now, I'm not a doctor, this is purely my own guessing. But the biopsy has proven that the cancer came from her omentum. Could we have prevented her having Stage 3C cancer by removing her omentum long ago? Do we need to even be asking ourselves this? I don't know, I just do know that I don't want this to happen to anyone else.

Just dealing

Yesterday was a rough one for me. After the shower, and the cry, I felt a bit more focused and was ready to visit my mom. I had made a couple of meals for my mom and dad, and drove over to see them. When I got there, I searched out my mother, and just held her for awhile. After she cried, we got up and talked quite a bit. Her fears are my fears. She wouldn't be as worried about this whole thing if they hadn't already found cancer on other parts of her body. No one with cancer in our family has lived to tell about it. They all have died young.

I didn't cry. I wouldn't. I don't want her to think that I'm cold, I just am afraid if I start crying, that I won't be able to stop when I'm with her. We talked of positive thinking, and having lots to live for. We talked of many things because that's what she needed to do was just to talk about it.

After putting her to bed, I drove to Longmont to pick her up some nightgowns to take back to her house. On the way there, I had a panic attack. I stopped the car and just sat there, then messaged my mother-in-law. She called me right back and talked me through it.

The thing that gets me the most is the total feeling of powerlessness in the situation. I am very much a control freak, and there is absolutely NOTHING I can do to make this better.

Only three more days, then we'll know.

Outcome 2

After a 2 1/2 hour surgery, the surgeon came out, brought my dad, aunt and I into a room, sat us down and told us what was going on. I had already assumed by how long the surgery took that they had found more cancer than previously thought. They had. It had attacked both ovaries, a small piece of her spleen, all of her omentum, her appendix and also three tumors were on top of her bowel. They were able to remove all cancerous pieces and she believes she got it all. There was no cancer in her lymph nodes, thank goodness. My aunt and I started to cry and then looked at each other wondering WHY we were crying? We knew she had cancer already, but the shock of all of the places it had gone was staggering. We took the two hours we needed for mom to be in recovery to start thinking positively so we could be the light that my mom would need. Unfortunately, it took forever for her to get into another room, so I was not able to see my mom last night. I will be leaving today to go see her.

The plan of action is, of course, chemo. Starting in 4-8 weeks. Two types of chemo, one through an IV and another administered through her abdomen. The abdomen will have stronger side effects (couldn't bring myself to ask what they were, but I can sure guess) and that will terrify her. Administering the chemo to her abdomen will prolong the cancer from coming back 18 more months. Not sure if mom will be up to it.

Prayers would be good. I'm happy that the surgeon thought she got everything, sad that the recovery will take longer. We're talking about a woman who has to leave the house every day or she'll go stir crazy. I'm thankful my aunt is in town, and worried about my dad.

Just...dazed.

Outcome

The outcome left a hole in my stomach. It is indeed cancer. My mom goes in next Wednesday for her surgery. Removing anything and everything that they can. While inside her body, they will look around to see if the cancer has spread.

When meeting with the doctor, they talked to her about genetic testing to see if my mother was predisposed to getting ovarian cancer. If she is, then I need to do testing myself. If I am predisposed, then I have the decision to make if I should remove my ovaries, too. I mentioned this to Brian, and he looked a bit upset. We have decided not to have any more kids, but I think he doesn't like the idea of having surgery before I need to. Would it be needless surgery? I don't believe so. Going through life always wondering if I had it seems needless when they can remove a part of me that I don't need. Do I get a hysterectomy at 33? This is something that I'm not sure I would want to do.

I'm not ready to deal with all of these questions. Just wanting to focus on the matter at hand. The surgery and what else they may find. Mom sounds pretty good. She told me she cried a lot yesterday which was good to ease the tension. I've only cried the day I found out the news. I'm sure it'll hit me later. I'm just in the wait and see mode again until Wednesday.

Coming to terms

I've been thinking about dreadful things. Death, the inablility to live without a mother in my life. I've been trying to be so optimistic, but the bad thoughts keep creeping in. My mother made a comment the day she found out that she didn't expect to live past 70. 70??? I need her so much longer than that. She is my mother. My friend. My confidant. My keeper. My muse. I would not be the person I am without her.

I've been trying to convince myself that the biopsy will come back and say it's benign. A tumor of the best kind. Remove it all. Her ovaries, her omentum, her uterus, her cervix. Whatever she doesn't need, get it out of there.

I'm scared for her about the chemo because I know she remembers the heartache with her own mom. It's all encompassing, the fear.

This waiting...it's a slow killer.

Ha! I THOUGHT last week was shitty.

Today, two huge things were happening. My husband was waiting to find out if he still had a job, and my mother went in for a simple procedure that is done every day to women all over the world.

By 11:00, everything changed. Brian has lost his job and my mother's ovary is swollen, with cancerous cells also located in her omentum. They are saying cancer. Throwing the word around without waiting for the biopsy. Now, in the past year, they threw this word at her before, and was wrong. All I can hope for is that they are wrong again. False optimism? Probably. It's all I have until the biopsy comes in on Thursday.

I'm just wrecked today. Tired and pretty much in shock. I'm staying strong because I need to.

I just want to lay down in my bed and cry for a bit.

Wasn't expecting this

My dad just called. When making incisions to remove my mom's uterus and cervix, they found cancer in her ovaries. I have no words.

Aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



I wish I could do this out loud.

Control...or lack of

Why do I constantly worry about things that I have absolutely no control over?
I've tried to stay busy today. Planting all of the bulbs that were mailed to me when I was on vacation. Cleaned the house like mad yesterday because when I clean, I have control over the situation. If I sit and do nothing, the loss of control overwhelms me. I even watched a scary movie last night in hopes that I would think of it, rather than our current situation.

Only a few more days, and then we'll know for sure. I know even though he says he's not worried, he worries. I can talk and think of nothing else.

What an incredibly shitty week

Other than coming home...there's nothing that beats that feeling, it's turning out to be an extremely shitty week.

Daegan got sick on tuesday night. I've been coughing so much that I'm lightheaded and my body is aching. My mother calls me and says she thinks she got my cold (which could put off her surgery) and then last night, Riordan woke up in the middle of the night throwing up. I'm just waiting for the sickness to hit the rest of us, because it always does.

I then read the paper and find out that Brian's company will be laying off 9 % of the employees. He finds out on Tuesday if his job is safe. In the past, his division has been secure because of what he does, but you never know. This is terrifying, absolutely TERRIFYING, because all around us we see people losing their homes because they can't afford their mortgages. What would we do? I don't work full time, and even if I did, I wouldn't make half the money he makes. What in the hell would we do???

Anxiety

My mother goes in for a hysterectomy on the 28th and she's terrified of the unknown. Every day she has new questions about what will happen. With her MS, she has had several tests and things done to her that caused her pain, and she never wants to feel that kind of pain again.

She's never been administered morphine, so she was concerned about that. I told her not to worry, she'll love it. What I don't understand is why they have to give it to her through her spine... She's also concerned about how long she'll be laid up. They told her 6 weeks until she'll be up and running like her normal self. Now, she lives with a man who she does everything for. Cooks, cleans, etc. My dad will have to step up and take care of things so she doesn't do them herself. She won't be able to lift anything more than 10 lbs. for awhile, and is talking of putting on an arm sling to remind her NOT to do things. I'll be cooking some casseroles and bringing them over for them to heat up. I'll probably go over there during the weekend and clean, too, since I know she's obsessive about that.

With all of the abnormal results from her pap, this is the right course to take. We all know this. However, the unknown can terrify us more than what is right in front of our face.

I was home for exactly 1 1/2 hours

when reality hits. My kid threw up.

Welcome home, mom!

Family

I'm back. I just spent 6 days with my extended family. Some that I haven't seen in about 3 years, some I saw just last year. It was a lot of fun hanging out with my mom and aunt for so long, but I'm also exhausted. I'm usually very good at knowing when I've had enough, when to go to bed, when to STOP. This doesn't happen when I'm visiting my family members, mostly because I'm always afraid I'll miss something big.

I went out to St. Louis to go to my cousin's wedding reception. My mother and I left early because we knew my aunt would need help doing last minute preparations. Boy, did she! She works hard (owns her own business) and was doing all things last minute!! Anyway, it was a lovely reception, and a wonderful time had by all.

One thing families do, of course, is to talk to one another. My family seriously talks, too. We sit outside, smoke cigarette after cigarette and just TALK. We usually talk about our own immediate families, but talk of everything else, too. One thing that I learned about myself when talking is that I tend to tell people, "you need to do this, or I would do this" when giving advice rather than just validate what the person is feeling or saying. Sometimes people want to hear actual advice, and some people just want you to listen. I'm good with this with everyone else but not my family for some reason.

My family has problems. At least one cousin out of 5 is an alcoholic or a drug addict. It was...devestating to hear the stories about my cousins who were dealing with all of these issues. Living in Colorado allows me to have a screen to be behind. Not on purpose, I just don't hear all of the stories of my families. I'm very saddened to be worried about so many members, it makes me terrified to pass the addict gene down to my own kids. Anyway, after listening to all of these stories, it made me so grateful that my own problems seem so small. I am grateful that everyone is healthy. I have no answers for those that have been hurt. I can't, because I haven't lived in their shoes. All I can hope is that God is control, and He has a plan for every one of my loved ones.

I'm glad I went, but my eyes have been opened to a lot of things that I wish I was in the dark about.

Saying goodbye

We all do it. Different reasons, different outcomes, but we all do it. Saying goodbye to me is similar to ripping off a bandaid. If you do it quickly...it hurts so much all at once, but the pain fades just as fast. Do it slowly, and it draws out the pain, sometimes you might even savor it. The lasting result is damage to the area, but again...the pain fades.

It all seems so unfair. You found the love you've been looking for, and now you have to leave her. You're in a healthy relationship, and it's going to be put to the test. You've been there before, why do you have to go again? I know you're proud, and I love you for it, but I wish you could just say no. This war...I despise it.

I hate saying goodbye to you because even though I know it's safer this time around, there's still a chance that it is final. I'm scared, and I'll miss you, and I love you so very much. How do we go day after day without you around? You're the only friend he's got, he's going to be lonely. I worry about him because he isn't talking about it.

It just isn't fair.

Just the facts

As I sit here, freezing because my body has obviously not grown accustomed to the cooler weather, all I can think of is what to do next? I just worked my final day at Picadilly (well, I'll be working a couple of days here and there, but not enough to call it income) and I have no idea where to go to apply for a seasonal job. I'm a bit concerned to apply to any retail place during the Holiday's because I am not ready to be told I have to work on Thanksgiving, or Christmas. I'd love to work close by because it's very important for me to be able to leave at a drop of a hat if my kids have an asthma attack, or some other emergency. Plus, I hate driving in the snow. I'll admit it. I'm a wuss when it comes to icy, snowy roads.

I'd love to take some time off, but, just like most people in this world, I need to have extra spending money for the Holiday's. Last year, Brian's family came up with a great idea for us all to make homemade presents for ONE person of the family (that we drew from a hat). It was very special, it really made you think about what they would enjoy, and I think we all really appreciated what we received. This idea helped a lot with the extra spending, but I have three boys that are hoping for some electronic gadgets from Santa this year. Nothing under $75.00. I remember, oh so long ago when I was able to get 5 Hot Wheel cars and call it a good Christmas!

Anywho, I don't know what I want to do. I'm leaving for St. Louis this coming week, and then when I get back, I'll be searching. Hopefully I haven't waited too long to start looking. With the economy the way it is, I'm positive I'm not the only one in need of more money.