Outcome

The outcome left a hole in my stomach. It is indeed cancer. My mom goes in next Wednesday for her surgery. Removing anything and everything that they can. While inside her body, they will look around to see if the cancer has spread.

When meeting with the doctor, they talked to her about genetic testing to see if my mother was predisposed to getting ovarian cancer. If she is, then I need to do testing myself. If I am predisposed, then I have the decision to make if I should remove my ovaries, too. I mentioned this to Brian, and he looked a bit upset. We have decided not to have any more kids, but I think he doesn't like the idea of having surgery before I need to. Would it be needless surgery? I don't believe so. Going through life always wondering if I had it seems needless when they can remove a part of me that I don't need. Do I get a hysterectomy at 33? This is something that I'm not sure I would want to do.

I'm not ready to deal with all of these questions. Just wanting to focus on the matter at hand. The surgery and what else they may find. Mom sounds pretty good. She told me she cried a lot yesterday which was good to ease the tension. I've only cried the day I found out the news. I'm sure it'll hit me later. I'm just in the wait and see mode again until Wednesday.

Coming to terms

I've been thinking about dreadful things. Death, the inablility to live without a mother in my life. I've been trying to be so optimistic, but the bad thoughts keep creeping in. My mother made a comment the day she found out that she didn't expect to live past 70. 70??? I need her so much longer than that. She is my mother. My friend. My confidant. My keeper. My muse. I would not be the person I am without her.

I've been trying to convince myself that the biopsy will come back and say it's benign. A tumor of the best kind. Remove it all. Her ovaries, her omentum, her uterus, her cervix. Whatever she doesn't need, get it out of there.

I'm scared for her about the chemo because I know she remembers the heartache with her own mom. It's all encompassing, the fear.

This waiting...it's a slow killer.

Ha! I THOUGHT last week was shitty.

Today, two huge things were happening. My husband was waiting to find out if he still had a job, and my mother went in for a simple procedure that is done every day to women all over the world.

By 11:00, everything changed. Brian has lost his job and my mother's ovary is swollen, with cancerous cells also located in her omentum. They are saying cancer. Throwing the word around without waiting for the biopsy. Now, in the past year, they threw this word at her before, and was wrong. All I can hope for is that they are wrong again. False optimism? Probably. It's all I have until the biopsy comes in on Thursday.

I'm just wrecked today. Tired and pretty much in shock. I'm staying strong because I need to.

I just want to lay down in my bed and cry for a bit.

Wasn't expecting this

My dad just called. When making incisions to remove my mom's uterus and cervix, they found cancer in her ovaries. I have no words.

Aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



I wish I could do this out loud.

Control...or lack of

Why do I constantly worry about things that I have absolutely no control over?
I've tried to stay busy today. Planting all of the bulbs that were mailed to me when I was on vacation. Cleaned the house like mad yesterday because when I clean, I have control over the situation. If I sit and do nothing, the loss of control overwhelms me. I even watched a scary movie last night in hopes that I would think of it, rather than our current situation.

Only a few more days, and then we'll know for sure. I know even though he says he's not worried, he worries. I can talk and think of nothing else.

What an incredibly shitty week

Other than coming home...there's nothing that beats that feeling, it's turning out to be an extremely shitty week.

Daegan got sick on tuesday night. I've been coughing so much that I'm lightheaded and my body is aching. My mother calls me and says she thinks she got my cold (which could put off her surgery) and then last night, Riordan woke up in the middle of the night throwing up. I'm just waiting for the sickness to hit the rest of us, because it always does.

I then read the paper and find out that Brian's company will be laying off 9 % of the employees. He finds out on Tuesday if his job is safe. In the past, his division has been secure because of what he does, but you never know. This is terrifying, absolutely TERRIFYING, because all around us we see people losing their homes because they can't afford their mortgages. What would we do? I don't work full time, and even if I did, I wouldn't make half the money he makes. What in the hell would we do???