I'm wondering if I need too much from people. I've always told my loved ones that as long as you're honest with me, we'll get along just fine. I've got a quick temper, I'll be the first one to admit it, but if you tell me the truth, I will forgive you a lot faster than if you lie to me.
I know people make mistakes. I, myself, make plenty of them. I'm a forgiving person and will love you until the day I die, and will protect you from those that might try to hurt you. Just...don't screw with me or my emotions, okay?
I've been told by numerous people that I can be intimidating, and I don't mean to be. I'm just who I am. I'm also told that people can always be straight with me because I don't flip out and offer good advice, and will keep secrets if they need to be kept.
As I raise my boys, the thing that I reiterate is telling the truth. Brian also pushes this point. It might get you into trouble, but the trust of a person is more important than anything else.
This weekend has been a hard one for me.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Time with the girls
I had a blast last night. Went over to my friend Jen's and met several other girls over there, too. We decided to not go out due to financial stress and just hung out together, laughed, drank some margaritas, had a millioin appetizers and scrumtious birthday cake and relaxed. I haven't laughed like that in a long time...since the last time we hung out together.
A few years ago I wrote how lonely I was, and I'm glad to say that I don't feel that way anymore. These group of friends have helped me through so much, and I am so very grateful for them!! It's amazing how we get together and talk about anything and everything, and still remain friends through it all. ;)
After trying to play a game of Catch Phrase for an hour, we ended up calling it a night. I feel loved. Thanks, girls!!
I am now looking forward to Tuesday (my actual birthday) because it will be just Brian and I together for the whole day. We have plans to go test drive cars and visit Tagawa gardens. I can't wait!
Friday, March 27, 2009
Too much time to think
It's been snowing here. A lot. It's been worse here in CO, but as it snows it gives me too much time to think. I've tried to stay busy with my job and online, doing laundry, keeping the boys busy...but things still creep in.
I watched Grey's Anatomy last night and the week before. The storyline is one of the main charachter has Stage 4 cancer (I still can't figure out what they are calling it...melanoma?) It's in the brain and throughout her body. The obvious futility of the situation is mind boggling and I can hardly get through the show without tearing up or sobbing, sometimes both.
This week has been hard for my mother. The shot they gave her to keep her white cells active gave her a migraine for four days. The only thing that would even touch the pain was a whole Percocet, and then that can make her dizzy and sick to her stomach. I went over there on Sunday and I offered her my touch, my love, words of encouragement. They never are enough.
As of yesterday, she was feeling better, which is good. I can't stand that the chemo has put her life on hold, yet understand that it needs to be done. I was thinking of Mother's Day coming up...and felt a sense of loss knowing that she and I most likely won't get together like we've done every year to pick out our annuals for potting up our containers because she doesn't have the energy to be able to do it. I was thinking about my birthday and my son's birthday...and not sure if she'll be able to celebrate it with us.
I'm being selfish. I want her full of life, with energy, feeling good...and I can't have that.
I just want her back.
I watched Grey's Anatomy last night and the week before. The storyline is one of the main charachter has Stage 4 cancer (I still can't figure out what they are calling it...melanoma?) It's in the brain and throughout her body. The obvious futility of the situation is mind boggling and I can hardly get through the show without tearing up or sobbing, sometimes both.
This week has been hard for my mother. The shot they gave her to keep her white cells active gave her a migraine for four days. The only thing that would even touch the pain was a whole Percocet, and then that can make her dizzy and sick to her stomach. I went over there on Sunday and I offered her my touch, my love, words of encouragement. They never are enough.
As of yesterday, she was feeling better, which is good. I can't stand that the chemo has put her life on hold, yet understand that it needs to be done. I was thinking of Mother's Day coming up...and felt a sense of loss knowing that she and I most likely won't get together like we've done every year to pick out our annuals for potting up our containers because she doesn't have the energy to be able to do it. I was thinking about my birthday and my son's birthday...and not sure if she'll be able to celebrate it with us.
I'm being selfish. I want her full of life, with energy, feeling good...and I can't have that.
I just want her back.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Wishing
I wish...
I could roll back time and never had it happen.
I could take all of your pain, squish it into a ball, and we burn it...slowly.
I could make everything better
I could spend more time with you
it was over before it began
it will never come back
you felt better about what you look like
you felt better. Period.
he understood your needs more
that you were well
that you would never leave me
that you truly knew how much I love you
I could roll back time and never had it happen.
I could take all of your pain, squish it into a ball, and we burn it...slowly.
I could make everything better
I could spend more time with you
it was over before it began
it will never come back
you felt better about what you look like
you felt better. Period.
he understood your needs more
that you were well
that you would never leave me
that you truly knew how much I love you
Friday, March 20, 2009
Birthday
Yeah. It's getting closer. 10 days. I'm not sure how I feel about it at this time. Not really a landmark birthday...a whopping 34. I look in the mirror and see someone who has aged, but don't worry too much about it. I know there are more lines, more gray hairs, but I also know there is wisdom and patience that wasn't there 10 years ago.
I want to celebrate it because I haven't really celebrated since my 30th. Brian threw me a surprise dinner party, and I loved it. I love being in the spotlight, I'll admit it. I've already asked for Saturday off, and have made tentative plans with some friends on the Friday before my birthday. I just want to hang out, drink margaritas and laugh with friends. Girls Night to the extreme. That's what I want.
From my family, I want family pictures and have already told them such. Brian is helping by laying down the law with the boys. This is something they can easily do for me, and something that I want. Oh, how I remember the days where as soon as the camera was out, they would instantly smile and say, "Cheese!!"
I would love to be able to spend time with my hubby. We have talked about going somewhere for two years now, but with his job situation, it's better to stick around.
What have I learned this past year? Things change, so quickly. My sons are growing at amazing speeds and this year will be rough because I won't have the one-on-one time with Riordan anymore. Starting this fall he will be going to school full time. Corrin is rapidly getting bigger than me, and he is thriving in that knowledge. He asked me the other day, "Why are you so short, mom?" *snicker* Daegan is at that ackward age where he wants to be so much older than he really is. Makes comments about what he needs to do to be "popular". I'm not sure I even cared at 8 years old!
I've learned that time is precious, friends are important, and family is everything. A year older. So much more to learn! BRING IT ON!
I want to celebrate it because I haven't really celebrated since my 30th. Brian threw me a surprise dinner party, and I loved it. I love being in the spotlight, I'll admit it. I've already asked for Saturday off, and have made tentative plans with some friends on the Friday before my birthday. I just want to hang out, drink margaritas and laugh with friends. Girls Night to the extreme. That's what I want.
From my family, I want family pictures and have already told them such. Brian is helping by laying down the law with the boys. This is something they can easily do for me, and something that I want. Oh, how I remember the days where as soon as the camera was out, they would instantly smile and say, "Cheese!!"
I would love to be able to spend time with my hubby. We have talked about going somewhere for two years now, but with his job situation, it's better to stick around.
What have I learned this past year? Things change, so quickly. My sons are growing at amazing speeds and this year will be rough because I won't have the one-on-one time with Riordan anymore. Starting this fall he will be going to school full time. Corrin is rapidly getting bigger than me, and he is thriving in that knowledge. He asked me the other day, "Why are you so short, mom?" *snicker* Daegan is at that ackward age where he wants to be so much older than he really is. Makes comments about what he needs to do to be "popular". I'm not sure I even cared at 8 years old!
I've learned that time is precious, friends are important, and family is everything. A year older. So much more to learn! BRING IT ON!
Colors of spring
Just a few pictures of some early blooming plants. With the 70 degree days, a lot of things are blooming a month earlier than the norm. It's been interesting to watch.
Here is my first ever attempt to grow from seed. I have purple zinnias, The Denver Daisy, Alyssum "Basket of Gold", cucumbers, peppers, "Bright Lights" Cosmos and a vine that I had never heard of. Day 5, and half the seeds of started to germinate. All in all, a very nice first attempt!
Creeping phlox. In about two weeks, all you'll see is pink!!
Daffodils. I was so surprised to look out and see these blooming. Last year, they bloomed the begininning of April, so these are definitely almost a month early.
I believe this is a type of Veronica. I bought them to fill in the gaps of my pavestones, and know that it can handle a lot of foot traffic.
Ahhhhh, the forsythia. I've been wanting one of these for years, and finally had a place to plant it. It was my first purchase of 2009.
It's small now, but it can get up to 10 feet high and 4-6 feet wide. I won't let it take over that much, though.
There is nothing quite like these blooms, in my opinion.
Happy first day of Spring!!
Here is my first ever attempt to grow from seed. I have purple zinnias, The Denver Daisy, Alyssum "Basket of Gold", cucumbers, peppers, "Bright Lights" Cosmos and a vine that I had never heard of. Day 5, and half the seeds of started to germinate. All in all, a very nice first attempt!
Creeping phlox. In about two weeks, all you'll see is pink!!
Daffodils. I was so surprised to look out and see these blooming. Last year, they bloomed the begininning of April, so these are definitely almost a month early.
I believe this is a type of Veronica. I bought them to fill in the gaps of my pavestones, and know that it can handle a lot of foot traffic.
Ahhhhh, the forsythia. I've been wanting one of these for years, and finally had a place to plant it. It was my first purchase of 2009.
It's small now, but it can get up to 10 feet high and 4-6 feet wide. I won't let it take over that much, though.
There is nothing quite like these blooms, in my opinion.Happy first day of Spring!!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Great news!!
Mom got the results of her CA125, and her numbers have dropped to 28. The chemo is working. All we can do is pray she goes into remission after all of this is over with, and it looks like she is heading in the right direction!! She still has two more chemo treatments to go, so keep praying for her!
I am so relieved and excited at once.
I am so relieved and excited at once.
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