Inside

My eldest is reading The God Delusion. It caught me off guard seeing it laying there by his bed. I realized then that I've got to get over whatever I'm dealing with and start going back to church. I'm not one to push my beliefs on others, but Corrin is at the age where he's thinking...a LOT...and I'd like him to hear both sides before coming to a conclusion. It makes me feel as if I've failed that his friends are doing a better job at sharing what they believe than I am.

Through this whole...ordeal (for lack of a better word), I've talked about being unsatisfied with the church rather than God. Organized religion and such. I've even made the comment that I don't think Jesus expected what has happened through the church...and not sure He'd like it. Darn people just screw it up. His message isn't that hard...why do churches make it hard?

I am praying fervently that God shows me a church that doesn't allow the members to fuck it all up.

Rushed

This past week and a half has been quite the blur. I've been Christmas shopping like no other, trying to get deals to save a bit of money. I even got up at the crack of dawn (oh, who am I kidding, it was even earlier) on the day after Thanksgiving which I've never done before. As my kids get older, the prices of their wish lists get more expensive...and Brian and I try to get at least one big item for them from Santa.

I also have been hanging out with my friend Stacey who is getting married to my best friend, Gus in May. Wedding dress shopping to be precise. It's been a lot of fun, and I'm happy that she has finally found her dress that she's going to wear on the big day. I'm making 14 dozen cookies for a cookie exchange this weekend, plus getting ready for two parties NEXT weekend, along with Riordan's birthday and Christmas.

I had picked up a volunteer form for the library, but haven't had enough time to fill it out...which means I haven't had enough time to volunteer...so I guess I'll put that off for a bit.

This Christmas season has been unusual, and I believe I talked about this last year, but nothing I've been busy with has had anything to do with church or religious activities. I've missed the joyous sounds of Christian Christmas music, so I'll be attending a Brighton Choir musical on Sunday...hoping to fill me with all that is good. I don't WANT my Christmas to be all about shopping. I miss the constant reminders of why my family celebrates this Holiday in the first place. I'll do whatever I can to include that in the festivities...looking for a church to go to on Christmas Eve.

It's been incredibly cold outside here, which means you go from place to place in a hurry. I'd like to sit down and rest for a bit, but still have so much to do! Maybe if I can get it all done now, the time for rest will come later!!!

Here's wishing you all a nice, relaxing Holiday season.

I can't go back

She's gone. The question of the day today was, "Are you coming back?" When asked this, I feel my body go rigid. My thoughts go to the final weeks of attending where everything is crystal clear. The putdowns, the thoughtless remarks, the absolute power that this church gave to one woman, who was said to be Godly. As people sat by, listening...literally eating up her words without a remark. That was the end for me. Yes, one problem with this church is gone. Yes, it makes me feel like I could visit this church. But come back? No. It's lost to me. When people sit by and let a preacher say things without standing up and saying that it's wrong...I can't trust these people anymore.

I am not laying guilt on just the members. I, too, sat there, feeling myself wanting to regurgitate, but not standing up. Holding the anger in as she said words that were hurtful. So it's not just anger, but my own self hating that I said nothing, too. How can I attend a church that, when I drive by, those feelings come back...every time? How could I possibly help it's healing? I can't.

I don't believe I can return to a church that is known for being "hard on it's ministers". I can't attend a church that is known for the conference to send preachers it's way as a stepping stone to something bigger and better. I cannot attend a church that is part of a conference that doesn't seem to have sane and well preachers. How can I attend a church where there are no children, no music ministry, nothing for my family? It just can't happen. So, I sit here, and try to swallow the anger and hurt again.

I know I have to do something. My mother-in-law suggested I write a letter to the district about what I think the church needs. I feel as if this was a good suggestion, but have to prayerfully consider what I would want to say. I do wish this church would get healthy. It is God's house, and it is there to serve the Lord.

I wish there was something out there...

He is RISEN!

Halleluja!

Prayer

I talked to my mom a bit the other day about prayer and praying to God that the cancer will go away. She hesitated a bit and said she was unsure to pray for that. We, as believers, talk about praying to God and asking things "according to his will". I, and my mom, have lost a LOT of people to cancer, and they were GOOD people. Fantastic people. People who died too early. It just didn't make sense. We sat over these people and prayed for them daily. Prayed that their cancer would go away. Is this how He wants us to pray????

So, when I pray, I pray that God will keep my mom's spirits up. I pray and beg to Him that my mom has more ministries to give here on Earth than up in Heaven. I pray that my dad can stay strong and will be able to deal with whatever comes his way.

According to His will.

God has a plan for each and everyone of us. We have no inkling what His plan is when it comes to our personal lives. We have to have the belief that He is in control over the situation and we just need to hang on for the ride.

On that note, please keep my friends Lena and Paul in your prayers. Their son goes in for surgery today. He is a baby who will be going under anesthesia.

Dear Lord, I pray that you calm my friend's Lena heart and mind. I pray that baby Austin's surgery goes quickly and effortlessly. I pray that she is surrounded by caring nurses that will say the right things to Lena to help her during the time where she cannot be with Austin. Please, Lord, hear my prayer. I pray this all in your son, Jesus Christ's, name. Amen.