Changing of the seasons

After enduring very cold temperatures ENTIRELY too early last week, we received a blessing of 80's yesterday and 70's today. I STILL haven't finished planting my bulbs, but am now blaming it on this cold that won't quite make up it's mind if it's going to be a full blown cold, or just make me tired and cough a lot. I'm running on empty.

I should be napping, because that's what you do when you're sick, but instead I'm sitting in the shade, listening to the light breeze move my Aspen trees. They are almost completely gold right now. The weather has been just perfect for the trees to change this year.

For some reason, I've been reflecting a lot on the past year. My mother's cancer, my best friend being in Iraq for a year, friends, Brian's job loss, other family members...a LOT has happened since this time last year. I hold my head up high with no regrets on either my actions nor my feelings. I look back and know that I have gained more appreciation for the little things, and smiles come easier to my face. I have unconsiously (or maybe consiously) removed little things out of my life that caused me greater stress than I was able to take, and have vowed to be sweeter with my words and my thoughts.

I miss my boys since they've started school. I see how separation between mother and sons is bound to happen, and nod knowingly. I think it's natural, even necessary, for the man to fall in love with a woman and leave his mother behind, but they are a part of me and never can be fully severed. I rejoice in them finding their new love, however, and will continuously praise God for whenever that should happen. I know this is early to think about, but as my young son becomes a teenager, I can feel the separation starting already. Wanting to share things with his friends rather than his parents. Again, I know this is completely normal (I wanted nothing to do with my mother and father as a teenager) but it's forshadowing what soon will come.

My husband is working a lot lately. I appreciate his job, appreciate it so much more before the Holidays. It allows us to breathe easier with health insurance and maybe a little bit of a bonus sometime next year. I appreciate how this company has made a change in my husband. He walks taller, with a broader step. He continuously is reminded how much he is needed at work and has more self confidence...something that I never was able to give him...but am so happy he is attaining it. I miss him, too.

With fall coming to an end too soon, I reflect. I administer. I love. I hope to find more of myself this upcoming year.

Winter already?

Today is the second day of fall, and it's been around 50 degrees the past few days. I feel as if we didn't even have much of a summer, and now I'm contemplating getting the long sleeve shirts out. I'm actually wearing a sweater today to stay warm. This weekend should be warmer (in the 70's) and who knows after that. All I do know is...the winter doldrums have hit me to the fullest degree. With the boys gone, I've been leaving the house more, but not getting much done. I know that the end of the month will leave me with excitement because I have all of my Halloween decor to set up.

I haven't been motivated to write. This might be the mild depression hitting with the boys gone, me working less and not knowing what will be happening next?

Transition

It's been a very busy summer (read...AUGUST)! I haven't had much time to do anything except work, prepare for my boys going back to school and preparing and attending two baby showers for my sis-in-law. I've enjoyed every minute of it, but am welcoming some time to catch up on things around the house.

The boys start school on Thursday, and it hits me that I will have all days to myself. Someone asked me to tell her how that works out...what that FEELS like. Right now, it feels like a huge piece of what I do has been taken out of the picture. I've been a stay-at-home mom for 9 years. How do you prepare yourself for all of that extra TIME? I know I have tons of projects to do at the house. It's 30 years old and constantly needs new things, new paint, just plain updating. With the boys asthma, I've always had to put off the painting for fear it will cause their asthma to act up. With them gone, I can do some painting in the morning and then air out the house so it's clear by the time they get home. I always have my landscaping to work on. I have work to go to. It just STOPS in October...and then there's nothing...

Corrin starts at the high school this year. I'm sure he's so tired of us telling him that "this is it. It now MEANS something" but he does want to attend CU and that is all we have left to inspire him to stay active and school and get good grades. We can't hold his hand forever, and I refuse to push him when it comes to something like doing homework. The stress if huge, and he needs to learn to do it on his own.

With two nieces coming sometime in September or early October, and one other niece or nephew due the end of January, I'm sure a lot of my time with be spent with my sis-in-law's because I HAVE the time and they won't. It's so weird that my timing has always been way ahead of everyone else, and people are finally catching up. It's weird because I'm not that much older than everyone else, but I feel as if I am sometimes. I have such a feeling of disconnect when I'm talking of plans.

I'm at a different stage, and I don't know what to do with myself.

Fair-weathered friend

In an earlier blog I talked about having only a few friends around me my entire life. It's easier that way because I invest all of my time and my energy and, dare say; my love to each of these close friends.

I give and give and give and hopefully, feel a return once in awhile. A loving remark or a kind gesture. The sweet acts of love that only friends can give.

I'm tired of this "friendship" that goes nowhere. Where I hear what is going on through other people. I'm good enough for some bad things. The things that completely change your life, but never good enough to hear the good things or day to day things. Is it because you don't think I care? Is it because of who I am married to? You've never held that against me before. You usually brought that up fondly, but I feel that that is the reason you don't tell me anything. The good ol' pride. Which is fine. I get it. But quit calling me a friend because I feel like anything but.

You say that you're lonely and that no one reaches out. I have reached out. Over and over again. Offered my ear, my time and my love to you. You have ignored these things and it hurts me. You might not mean to, but it's obvious what I offer is not what you are wanting. You cancel at the last minute. You give open ended replies to invites and then I don't hear from you. You would rather sleep than spend time with me. Maybe it's me? I could be okay with that, too, if you'd just be honest. I abhore dishonesty. You should know that by now.

I can't offer anymore to you. You will be in my life, and I understand that, but I'm just done trying.