Thursday, February 4, 2010

Why Outhouses Were Better

Quote of the Day: Non-plumbers need not apply! - Author - Me - when I write my ad. for my next husband.

(toilet graveyard where I'd like to retire these useless contraptions!)

I just spent the past half hour plunging my toilet. It's still not flowing freely. Ugh, and double yuck, Ugh! What is it with boys and toilets?! And, why don't toilets flush it down like they used to? Between the low-flow enviro-friendly toilets (not so friendly to MY enviro), and the flimsy plungers that turn inside out at the critical moment, or worse yet, splash back at-ya, I'm up to my ankles in overflow! It's like I'm giving the toilet CPR - press 1*2*3 breath, repeat. Still, not responding.
So, I'm ready to apply for a city license to dig a hole and build an outhouse. Really, take the crap back outside where it belongs. Talk about enviro-friendly! I can't think of a better way to "go green!" No more stink. No more clogs. No more splash on my jammies and slippers because you know it all happens at bedtime, and if I don't declog before I fall asleep, sure enough that will be the night that I wake up to pee.

I wonder if mothers put up a little stink of their own when their husbands came home with the brilliant plan to bring the outhouse inside.

"What?!" she might have exclaimed. "I don't want that stuff in my house."

"It's the new thing, honey," he says. "Everyone who's anyone is taking out the pantry and putting in the potty."

"I have to give up canning space for a toilet hole?" she says, baby on hips, broom in hand.

"It will be better," he says. "You won't have to put on your boots and coat to do your daily business."

"I like my privacy," she exclaims. "Especially at night - the door's shut, the moon's full, it's peaceful and quiet."

"I thought you'd like having the facilities right beside the kitchen. Wouldn't interrupt your work at all. It's my way of pampering YOU," he says.

She frowns. She knows better. He's the one who doesn't want to put his boots on and step out in the cold. He and the kids used to take the Sears catalog out there to read and wipe, now they'd be sitting all day in the warm house, next to the kitchen, taking their old sweet time getting off the pot, reading every article in The New York Times.

Good Lord, she thinks. What will they come up with next? Portable telephones so you can't even get groceries without a call for help finding a clean pair of underwear?

Journaling Prompt: Are there any "advancements" in our culture that create more hassle than help for you?

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