Visited a church for the second time yesterday. I left feeling...unsatisfied. I don't even know what I'm supposed to be doing there anymore, except what has been ingrained in me. Worship. I'm at a point in my life that it all seems, I don't know, important...necessary...but a waste of time. This scares me like you'd never believe. I feel as if I reach out...out...to forever, and can't quite grasp for whatever I'm reaching. I still believe in God. I call out to Him in struggle, I thank Him for my daily blessings. I just can't feel Him. I feel as if He has taken a vacation from being by my side.
For me, worship means singing. I love this band that is at the church we visited. They are talented, and obviously are worshipping. The group sang songs that I had never heard of, so I stood there and listened. Closed my eyes and breathed. It brought tears to my eyes, but I think it was mostly out of frustration, because I couldn't feel what I had felt before. For the longest time, listening to music at my other church would hurt my ears. It was distracting to me. At least when I joined Joyful Noise I could lend my talents to the group, but more importantly, not have the sound distract me from what I was there for. LOL. I could hear myself and a couple of others, and for the most part, it was good enough. I WOULD be worshipping. Then, the stress from my pastor...it ceased to be worshipping again. It's been a long time.
I am CRYING OUT. I am DESPERATE for some peace here, God. I wrote a quick blog on myspace about needing peace...and my hubby, so lovingly wrote, "Have you asked for it?" So, I made that part of my daily routine. Prayer to God as I was showering. "Please...please God. Take this ache away!!" Nothing. NOTHING!!! I feel my anxiety rise. I feel my stomach churning. I think, "Okay, I need to put myself in a place where I can feel you closer, going to a church."
I hate this. Will I find it again? The place that God wants me to be? I'm surrounded by churches. Surely there is a place that is right for our family. A place that we can feel connected. ONE with our beliefs. ONE with the spirit.